- Tension: The discomfort and self-doubt middle-class individuals feel when navigating the unfamiliar etiquette and expectations of upscale dining environments.
- Noise: Societal norms and assumptions that equate sophistication with wealth, suggesting that only the affluent naturally belong in high-end settings, thereby marginalizing those from middle-class backgrounds.
- Direct Message: Authenticity and self-assurance are more valuable than pretense; embracing one’s identity and asking questions when uncertain can lead to genuine confidence and enjoyment, regardless of the setting.
This article follows the Direct Message methodology, designed to cut through the noise and reveal the deeper truths behind the stories we live.
We’ve all been there at least once: You’re invited to a fancy restaurant—maybe for a celebratory dinner, a work event, or just to indulge—and suddenly, you’re faced with a sea of cutlery, an unpronounceable menu, and prices that make you do a double-take.
It can be an exciting experience, but for many of us who grew up middle-class, these upscale dining moments come with a side of social awkwardness.
I’m speaking from personal experience here. Let’s just say I’ve made my fair share of etiquette mistakes while trying to keep my cool in posh restaurants.
I’ve come to realize that these seemingly small moments can make us feel out of place and sometimes even question our self-worth.
But guess what? We’re all still learning, and with a little bit of know-how (and a healthy dose of humor), we can move past the awkwardness and simply enjoy the experience.
Here at DM News, we’re all about personal growth in real-life scenarios—restaurants included. So let’s explore seven typical situations that can leave middle-class diners squirming in their seats, along with insights on how to handle them gracefully.
1. Staring at a menu you can’t decipher
Ever sat down, opened the menu, and realized you understand maybe half of what’s written?
I’ve had that happen more times than I’d care to admit—fancy language, exotic ingredients, and cooking terms in French or Italian.
You can feel your face heating up as you pretend to skim confidently, hoping no one notices you haven’t the faintest clue what half the dishes are.
In these moments, the natural impulse is to nod like you know exactly what coquilles St. Jacques or amuse-bouche means.
But here’s a secret I’ve learned: even people who dine out often don’t always know, either. Chefs love coming up with creative descriptions that can stump nearly anyone.
A simple solution is to politely ask the server for clarification. They’re there to help, and asking questions shows curiosity rather than ignorance.
Take action by simply asking for more information about a dish—most servers are thrilled to guide you.
2. Feeling clueless about the correct cutlery
Why are there so many forks? Why is that spoon so small? Who uses a tiny fork just for shellfish?
It can feel like you’re in a scene from a Victorian drama, trying to recall etiquette lessons you never actually learned.
I remember one particularly mortifying moment when I picked up the wrong fork for my salad and ended up holding the dessert fork while my dinner companions politely pretended not to notice.
Looking back, it’s kind of hilarious, but in the moment, I wanted to disappear under the table.
A quick tip I’ve picked up over time: generally, you work from the outside in.
The utensils farthest from your plate are for the first course, and you move inward as the meal progresses.
If you still mess up, don’t stress—most people aren’t even paying that much attention (they’re too focused on whether they’re using the right fork themselves).
3. Overthinking the dress code
The dress code at fancy restaurants can be downright stressful. Is “business casual” enough? Are jeans acceptable if paired with a blazer? And how about footwear?
I once spent hours debating whether I could wear a pair of polished flats instead of heels.
I’ve learned something crucial: confidence often trumps the specifics of your outfit. If you walk in confidently, as though you belong there (because you do), people are far less likely to notice small dress code quirks.
This aligns well with what Sheryl Sandberg wrote in Lean In, emphasizing the value of confidence in places and situations that traditionally make us second-guess ourselves.
Sure, some restaurants have more rigid rules (jacket and tie required, etc.), so check ahead if you can. But in many cases, a neat, polished outfit and a sense of self-assurance do the trick.
4. Cringing at the prices
Let’s be real: seeing that a single appetizer could cover your entire grocery bill for the week can be disconcerting.
I’ll never forget my first time at a Michelin-starred spot: I opened the menu, nearly choked on my water, and then tried to disguise my shock as a polite cough.
At a certain point, you might wonder if you should’ve just ordered a pizza at home. But these situations can also be opportunities to practice a mindset shift around money.
Think of it as paying not just for the food, but for the ambiance, the service, and the experience. If your budget is tight, consider skipping alcohol (often marked up significantly) or choosing a simpler entrée.
Nobody needs to know your financial play-by-play.
As John C. Maxwell has said, “Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.”
In a fancy restaurant, you can choose to invest in the overall experience—or decide this isn’t the time and place to go all out. Either choice is fine; what matters is owning it rather than feeling forced or ashamed.
5. Navigating the wine list
Sometimes, you’ll find a wine list so extensive it looks like a short novel.
How do you even begin to pick something good without going broke or looking clueless? One friend of mine once panicked and just pointed to the second-cheapest bottle, hoping for the best. It was…not the best.
The key is to use your server or sommelier as a resource. You don’t have to be an expert, but be honest about what you like: maybe you prefer something light and fruity, or perhaps a fuller-bodied red is more your style.
Just say so! The best sommeliers know how to find a bottle that fits your taste and your budget without making you feel awkward.
If you find the whole conversation too intimidating, there’s no shame in skipping wine altogether.
Your dining experience should be about enjoyment, not about living up to some unspoken rule that a fancy meal must include an expensive Cabernet.
6. Struggling with tip etiquette
Even after the meal is done, there’s one last hurdle: the tip. Is 10% insulting? Should you go for 15% or 20%? What if the service was just okay, but not stellar?
This can be particularly daunting if you grew up in a household where fancy dining was rare, and tips were seen as something you only gave in very specific circumstances.
I recall a dinner where the server handed me a tablet to calculate the tip, and the options started at 20%.
My heart skipped a beat because that bill was already high. I added 15%, feeling guilty, but also unsure if I was being stingy.
Here’s the scoop: in many places, 15-20% is considered standard for good service. If it’s exceptional, go higher; if it’s lacking, you can lower it slightly.
It’s also okay to politely point out issues to management if you feel you didn’t get the experience you paid for—though, of course, do it graciously.
7. Last but definitely not least, the pressure to “act fancy”
I’ve noticed that in fine dining environments, everyone seems to be on their best behavior, enunciating their words just so, and maintaining perfect posture.
You may feel the urge to speak in hushed, refined tones that don’t quite sound like you. It can be oddly disorienting.
A friend of mine once commented that I seemed like a totally different person at a fancy restaurant.
She was right—I was so focused on not making any social blunders that I ended up stifling my usual warmth. If you’ve found yourself doing the same, don’t be too hard on yourself.
Fancy places can trigger our old fears of “not fitting in,” so we overcompensate.
In reality, no one is going to toss you out for laughing a bit too loudly or being your genuine self—unless, of course, you’re being blatantly disruptive (in which case, tone it down, but still be you).
Ultimately, those who truly belong in these spaces are the ones comfortable in their own skin, not the ones pretending to be someone else.
Wrapping up
Feeling out of place in an upscale setting is nothing to be ashamed of.
It’s perfectly normal to experience these moments of awkwardness when you’re not used to ultra-fancy environments. The important thing is to keep a sense of humor and remember that everyone started somewhere.
Even the most seasoned diners were once clueless about the difference between a soup spoon and a dessert spoon.
If any of the points above struck a chord, you’re in good company. You might have read my post on overcoming social anxiety in professional settings—many of those strategies work here, too.
Asking questions, standing in your own confidence, and focusing on genuine enjoyment instead of perceived judgment can go a long way in making you feel more at ease.
And remember: a restaurant is just a place where people come together to share a meal.
Whether it’s a high-end dining room with starched tablecloths or the local pizzeria down the street, the basics—good food, good company, and gratitude for the experience—remain the same.
So the next time you’re faced with an unreadable menu or a baffling array of forks, don’t sweat it. Embrace the moment, make the choices that work for you, and savor every bite.
Here at DM News, we believe personal growth happens in all sorts of everyday scenarios.
If “fancy restaurant jitters” are a hurdle, tackling them can build confidence for other challenges in life, too.
After all, growth often comes from stepping outside our comfort zones—whether that’s in a boardroom or at a table draped in linen. Bon appétit!
