I used to think feeling unlovable only happened in extreme cases, like people who’d gone through something really traumatic.
But over time, I noticed subtle ways it can creep into everyday life—even for those who appear confident on the outside.
Sometimes, we hide these feelings so well that we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
But the signs show up in our habits, our relationships, and the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we deserve.
If you’ve ever had a persistent hunch that, deep down, you might be unworthy of love—even if you’d never admit it out loud—know you’re not alone. I’ve been there, and you’d be surprised how often this doubt silently influences our actions.
Here are seven things many people do when they secretly believe they aren’t lovable.
1. They push others away before they can be left
One common pattern I’ve noticed is the tendency to push people away, especially when connections start getting real.
It can feel safer to hit the self-destruct button first than to risk being rejected later. You might close yourself off, pick a fight, or suddenly go silent—anything to create distance.
I’ve done this in past friendships, much less relationships. The moment someone started to show genuine care, I’d find some excuse or flaw and quietly drift away, all because I feared they’d do the same to me eventually.
It’s tricky because this habit often masquerades as self-protection, when really it’s rooted in a belief that being abandoned is inevitable.
By letting people in slowly and communicating your concerns, you can begin to shift that narrative.
2. They sabotage genuine compliments
Have you ever heard a compliment and instantly wanted to dismiss it?
Maybe your friend says your new haircut looks amazing, and you respond with, “I just got lucky with the stylist,” or “Oh, it’s not that great.”
Brushing off praise becomes an instinct when you’re convinced you’re not worthy of positive attention. It’s like your mind just can’t reconcile your self-image with someone else’s kind words.
I’ve definitely been guilty of turning every compliment into a joke or minimizing it to avoid feeling “seen.”
What I’ve learned is that how you accept praise can reveal your deeper sense of self-worth.
Practicing a simple “thank you” can be surprisingly transformative.
It may feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, you might start believing the warm words people offer.
3. They avoid setting boundaries
Boundaries can feel terrifying when you’re worried that people will bail if you speak up.
It’s almost as though you think, “If I say no, or if I ask for something, they’ll realize I’m not worth the trouble and leave.”
For the longest time, I’d bend over backward to accommodate others, even in situations that left me drained. I was afraid that setting a boundary might be the final straw that proved I wasn’t lovable enough to keep around.
Ironically, people without boundaries can attract those who take advantage or expect too much.
This cycle then deepens the feeling of unworthiness because you’re constantly giving and rarely receiving genuine support.
Learning to say, “I need this,” or “I’m not comfortable with that,” can feel like a massive leap. But it’s a leap that reaffirms to your own mind that you’re deserving of respect and care.
4. They become “people pleasers”
People pleasing can look like always offering favors, saying “yes” to every invitation, or agreeing with opinions you don’t fully share. On the surface, this might be seen as kindness or a laid-back nature.
But when you peel back the layers, there’s often a worry that if you’re not doing everything in your power to be likable, people will realize you’re not worth loving and move on.
I’ve certainly noticed moments where I’d go above and beyond, not purely out of generosity, but out of a quiet panic that my real self wasn’t enough.
Interestingly, it was during one of these phases—where I felt stretched thin—that I came across Rudá Iandê’s “Free Your Mind” masterclass. I signed up because I realized I was constantly stuck in my own head, burdened by the fear of not measuring up.
Going through the course inspired me to address those deeper insecurities and limiting beliefs.
The exercises made me see that a lot of my people-pleasing habits stemmed from a worry that I was only as good as what I could offer others.
Rudá’s approach challenged me to confront the root cause of why I believed I had to work overtime just to be accepted.
Once I let go of that, I found that authentic connections became possible—ones where I could say “no” or express disagreement without constantly worrying about being abandoned.
5. They rely heavily on external validation
You might notice a friend (or yourself) posting on social media all the time, fishing for likes or comments.
And hey, I love a good selfie or update as much as anyone—but the key difference is whether your mood hinges on how many “thumbs up” you receive.
If you’re feeling unlovable on the inside, there’s a chance you seek reassurance from outside sources to fill that void. Unfortunately, external validation can never fully soothe the deeper insecurity because it’s fleeting and depends on other people’s responses.
I’ve had moments when a kind word from a stranger online felt like the greatest gift. But then the feeling faded, and I was back to wondering if my friends really liked me or just tolerated me.
Building a healthier sense of self often requires turning inward and finding affirmation from your own values and personal milestones.
That way, you’re not constantly at the mercy of someone else’s opinion.
6. They interpret conflicts as personal rejections
Conflict is normal in any relationship.
However, if you feel like you’re inherently unlovable, a minor argument can quickly spiral into a doomsday scenario in your mind.
I remember a time my sister and I had a heated disagreement over something trivial—where to meet for a family dinner.
She raised her voice, I raised mine, and later we both apologized.
But in the moment, I had this panicky thought, “She must hate me now.”
It’s a giant leap from a simple conflict to a fear of being fundamentally unworthy of love, but that’s often how these hidden insecurities operate.
Working on this involves reframing disagreements as just that—disagreements.
They aren’t always proof that someone is ready to abandon you. A single clash doesn’t define your entire value as a person.
7. They default to self-criticism
For many of us, self-criticism can feel like a protective measure: “If I spot my flaws first, no one else can catch me off guard.”
It’s almost like you’re trying to preemptively beat others to the punch.
I vividly recall an instance where a friend complimented my approach to organizing an event, and I followed up by listing everything I did wrong.
She was genuinely confused, pointing out that I’d orchestrated an incredible gathering. But I couldn’t help picking it apart.
When you believe you’re unlovable, pointing out your mistakes becomes second nature. It’s as if you’re confirming the negative script that already plays in your head.
The downside? This habit can blind you to your own achievements and strengths. Celebrating small wins—from getting through a tough day at work to being there for a friend in need—can gradually shift this narrative.
Conclusion
The belief that you might be unlovable often hides beneath behaviors that look ordinary on the surface—pushing people away, deflecting compliments, or trying too hard to please.
Yet these patterns can keep you from the very connections and self-acceptance you deeply want.
If you noticed pieces of yourself in these habits, take heart. Awareness is the first step to reframing how you see yourself.
From there, gentle self-reflection, boundary-setting, and possibly seeking outside support—like therapy or a masterclass—can guide you toward genuine healing.
Above all, remember you’re not alone in this feeling, and you are far more lovable than your doubts would have you believe.
Here at DM News, we believe every one of us deserves to love and be loved—starting with ourselves.
