- Tension: You can be kind, polite, and well-liked—and still feel isolated. Many people mistake being “nice” for being emotionally connected, only to find themselves without deep, lasting friendships.
- Noise: Cultural advice often equates likability with connection, encouraging surface-level friendliness while overlooking the deeper relational skills that create true intimacy and trust.
- Direct Message: Real friendships require more than being nice—they thrive on vulnerability, boundaries, active listening, and emotional presence; when you stop performing and start showing up authentically, connection naturally follows.
This article follows the Direct Message methodology, designed to cut through the noise and reveal the deeper truths behind the stories we live.
I used to think being nice was enough. I’d listen quietly, offer help whenever I could, and never start an argument.
Yet somehow, despite all this friendliness, I didn’t have the kind of close friends I longed for.
The kind who’d call me out of the blue just to catch up, or who’d invite me over in my sweatpants to watch a movie and laugh until midnight.
Why wasn’t my niceness translating into deeper connections? I spent a lot of time reflecting on that question. Eventually, I realized that “being nice” was only one piece of the puzzle.
There were a handful of less obvious behaviors getting in the way of building genuine friendships. It took some trial and error—and a fair bit of soul-searching—to pinpoint them, but I’m so glad I did.
Today, I want to share those insights with you here at DM News, in the hope they can help you examine your own actions and find the fulfilling friendships you deserve.
Let’s explore the seven behaviors that kept me lonely, even though I was friendly on the surface.
1. Relying too much on small talk
For the longest time, I was that person who stuck to questions like, “How are you?” and “How’s work?”
I wanted to appear polite and warm, but our conversations never went beyond the surface. We’d part ways having talked about the weather or the latest TV show, yet there was no deeper bond formed.
Small talk is okay in passing—it can help break the ice. But if you rely on it too heavily, you miss out on opportunities to truly connect.
Genuine friendships often form around shared experiences, deeper conversations, and moments of vulnerability.
A study has found that more substantive conversations were linked to higher levels of well-being.
It’s not that small talk is evil; it’s just not enough on its own. I realized I needed to ask more meaningful questions: “What’s been inspiring you lately?” or “What’s a personal challenge you’re working through right now?”
These types of questions may feel risky if you’re used to polite chit-chat, but they open the door for genuine connection.
2. Staying in my comfort zone
I used to fill my weekends with solitary activities. Going to the same coffee shop, attending the same library events—spending time in places where I felt safe and comfortable.
Yes, there’s nothing wrong with having routines, especially if you’re juggling parenting or a busy work schedule. But over time, this can lead to a kind of social rut.
The friends we meet often reflect the variety of places we go. If you’re only frequenting one type of event or sticking to your same old routine, your pool of potential connections is limited.
I noticed this firsthand. If I wanted to meet people who shared my varied interests—mindfulness, journaling, or exploring new bookshops across London—I had to get out there more.
That meant signing up for workshops, volunteering at local community events, or simply striking up a conversation with a fellow parent at my son’s extracurricular activities.
The interesting thing was, once I started venturing beyond my comfort zone, I met people who genuinely resonated with my passions.
3. People-pleasing
Ever found yourself offering to help someone move apartments even though your weekend was already jam-packed? That was me in a nutshell.
I hated letting people down or saying “no.” In hindsight, it was more than just being nice. I was hungry for approval, and I believed that fulfilling everyone’s requests was the key to gaining it.
But people-pleasing can backfire in friendships. When you’re constantly saying “yes,” you can lose sight of your own boundaries and authenticity.
One moment you’re helping a friend with a project because you want to be supportive, and the next you’re resenting them for taking advantage of your time.
Dale Carnegie famously said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
But there’s a difference between genuine interest in others and bending over backwards for them at your own expense.
People might appreciate the help, but they may also sense you’re not being fully genuine when you never put your own needs first.
Setting healthy boundaries was a game-changer for me. It taught me how to be respectful to others while also honoring my own limits—something that’s crucial if you want lasting, authentic friendships.
4. Over-analyzing every interaction
I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve wasted replaying conversations in my head.
If someone took a while to reply to a text, I’d assume they were upset with me. If a friend forgot to invite me to a casual outing, I was sure it meant they didn’t value my company.
All that second-guessing and overthinking led me to hesitate on reaching out or making the first move.
What I learned is that friendships—like all relationships—require a bit of faith.
Most of us are juggling a lot: work stress, family responsibilities, personal goals. A delay in responding might have nothing to do with you at all. Yet my anxious mind would spin it into a sign I wasn’t liked or welcomed.
Stephen Covey once remarked, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
I realized I was “listening” to my friends through a lens of worry and self-doubt, not empathy or genuine curiosity.
As soon as I made a conscious effort to trust my friends’ intentions—and to listen with an open heart rather than critical self-talk—I found I worried less.
I also became more relaxed in my interactions, which made it easier for others to feel comfortable around me.
5. Not showing vulnerability
When I was going through my divorce, I tried to keep everything under wraps. I figured that if I acted like everything was fine, people would see me as strong and put-together.
Little did I know, that was also creating a wall around me. People couldn’t see the real me—and it was hard for them to open up in return.
Friendships thrive on shared vulnerability. Opening up about your fears, challenges, or even your silly quirks shows people that you trust them enough to let them in.
I used to worry that being vulnerable would scare people away, but the opposite happened.
When I finally told a co-worker how overwhelming single parenting felt some days, she opened up about her own struggles with balancing work and family.
That moment of honesty sparked a friendship that’s still going strong.
Sheryl Sandberg hit the nail on the head when she said, “We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.”
By becoming aware of my reluctance to show vulnerability, I was able to change it—and in turn, that change invited deeper friendships into my life.
6. Neglecting active listening
“You can talk to me about anything,” was a sentence I said often, but the truth was, my mind would wander when people shared their stories.
I’d nod and offer polite comments, but I wasn’t truly tuned in. I was missing emotional cues—like when a friend’s voice wavered talking about a tough day.
Active listening is about more than just letting someone speak.
It’s about truly engaging—maintaining eye contact, reflecting back what they said, asking thoughtful follow-up questions, and responding with genuine concern or excitement.
I noticed a shift in my friendships once I started practicing active listening.
People opened up more and seemed to value our time together. They confided in me about not just their day-to-day details but also deeper feelings and life ambitions.
The best part? It wasn’t one-sided. When I gave people space to talk freely, they reciprocated. They also became more curious about me.
That genuine exchange laid the foundation for closer connections.
7. Looking for constant external validation
Perhaps most crucially, I realized I was seeking a sense of self-worth through my friendships. I craved reassurance that I was likable, funny, or valuable as a friend.
The minute someone didn’t respond with the enthusiasm I expected—say, not laughing at my jokes or not texting back quickly—I’d feel rejected.
This constant need for validation can come across as clingy or insecure.
People might feel pressured to boost your ego rather than connect with you authentically. And ironically, the more you chase that validation, the less fulfilling those connections become.
When I started to focus on my own personal growth—finding hobbies that enriched me, setting and pursuing my goals, and taking pride in the small accomplishments that come with each day—I became less reliant on others’ approval.
This shift naturally attracted people who appreciated me for who I was, not just how enthusiastically I complimented them or sought their praise.
By the way, you might have read my post on improving workplace relationships, where I touched on the danger of relying too heavily on external approval.
It’s a theme that rings true in so many areas of our lives.
Wrapping up
I learned that being nice isn’t always enough when it comes to forming genuine, lasting friendships.
Without a doubt, kindness is a valuable trait—something the world needs more of—but it can’t stand alone.
If you’re stuck in superficial small talk, refusing to step outside your comfort zone, constantly people-pleasing, overthinking, hiding your real emotions, half-listening, or seeking external validation, you might end up feeling isolated despite your best efforts.
The good news is that recognizing these behaviors is half the battle. Once you identify them, you can begin to make small but significant adjustments.
Ask a deeper question next time you talk to someone. Say “no” when your plate is already full. Let a friend see the vulnerable side of you. Listen—really listen—when they speak.
And try to find validation within yourself, so that you can give freely to your friendships without needing constant reassurance in return.
Over time, these changes can create the space for truly close bonds to flourish. You’ll discover that people are drawn to authenticity and sincerity.
They appreciate someone who’s not just pleasant to be around, but also real, empathetic, and supportive.
Friendships are an investment in time, energy, and emotion.
When you approach them with genuine openness—and leave behind the seven stumbling blocks I just talked about—you’ll find that being nice is no longer just a polite gesture.
It becomes a gateway to the deeper connections you’ve been seeking.
Here at DM News, we believe that personal growth starts with self-awareness. We might all be “nice” in our own ways, but the deeper question is: Are we truly connecting?
If your honest answer is “not quite,” it might be time to look beyond niceness and into the heart of your actions. That’s where lasting friendship can really begin.
