We all know that breaking up doesn’t always mean cutting ties forever.
In fact, some people navigate the tricky transition from lovers to friends quite successfully. But have you ever wondered what makes them able to do that—and do it in a healthy way?
In my own circle, I’ve seen couples call it quits yet stay on surprisingly good terms.
I’ve also seen the flip side: the messy breakups that leave a trail of hurt and resentment, making any form of friendship downright impossible.
For those of us who are divorced, like me, the idea of staying friends with an ex can feel like walking a tightrope—one misstep, and you might fall into old patterns or stir up unresolved emotions.
So, what is it about certain individuals that helps them navigate this unique dynamic?
According to psychology, people who remain friends with their exes often share some key emotional patterns. Let’s explore them.
1. They prioritize acceptance over resentment
Ever caught yourself reliving arguments from the past and thinking, “If only they hadn’t done that”?
That’s exactly what these folks avoid.
Instead of dwelling on blame, they accept the relationship for what it was. They don’t deny the pain or the regrets; they simply move forward without fixating on bitterness.
Acceptance isn’t about pretending everything was perfect. It’s about acknowledging that something didn’t work out and choosing to let go of the grudges.
Psychologists often say that acceptance fosters emotional freedom. Without it, we can’t really invest energy in building a healthy friendship.
I’ve learned this firsthand. When my ex-husband and I went our separate ways, it took me months of soul-searching to stop focusing on the “could have been” and accept what had happened.
Once I did, I noticed I could speak to him without every conversation turning into a blame game.
2. They have a strong sense of empathy
Some of us are naturally wired to consider other people’s feelings.
And when it comes to staying friends with an ex, empathy is essential.
Why? Because breakups often involve pain, confusion, and a sense of loss on both sides—even if you’re the one who initiated it.
This is backed by experts like Dale Carnegie, who famously said: “Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.”
While he wasn’t talking explicitly about romantic relationships, the principle still applies.
The willingness to step out of your own shoes and into someone else’s can help ease lingering tension and build a new foundation for a platonic bond.
An empathetic mindset means asking yourself questions like, “How are they feeling?” and “What do they need right now?”
It also means being gentle with their triggers and not forcing them into situations they’re uncomfortable with.
3. They set and respect healthy boundaries
If you’ve read my post on maintaining personal boundaries, you already know how crucial it is to define what is and isn’t okay in your relationships.
When transitioning from partners to friends, boundaries are even more important.
Staying friends with an ex doesn’t mean you have unrestricted access to each other’s lives. You might, for instance, decide not to vent about each other’s new love interests.
Or you might choose to limit late-night calls. Having these boundaries in place reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings and messy entanglements.
Clinical psychologists often highlight that clear boundaries mitigate confusion about what this new “friendship” really means.
Without them, you risk stepping on each other’s emotional toes. In my experience, drafting these invisible lines—even just mentally—offers a sense of emotional clarity.
4. They practice open communication
Ever danced around a topic because you were afraid it might offend or upset someone?
People who remain on friendly terms with their exes don’t usually do that. They’re comfortable speaking openly, even if it means admitting awkward truths.
This direct approach helps them tackle potential hiccups before they escalate into full-blown emotional chaos.
Let’s say your ex wants to hang out, but you’re not in the mood. Instead of making an excuse, open communication calls for honesty: “I’d love to catch up, but I need some alone time right now. Let’s plan for next week instead.”
It’s a small shift, but it fosters mutual understanding and reduces the chance of hidden resentments building up.
Research in interpersonal communication consistently shows that transparent dialogue strengthens trust—whether you’re lovers, friends, or exes-turned-friends.
5. They’re comfortable with vulnerability
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change,” says researcher Brené Brown.
And yes, this applies to post-breakup friendships, too. Being friends with an ex often involves facing complicated feelings—maybe guilt for how things ended or fear that a spark might reignite.
People who can stay friends willingly expose their softer sides.
They’re not afraid to say, “That still hurts,” or “I’m not ready to go there right now.” Instead of seeing vulnerability as a weakness, they understand it’s a gateway to genuine connection.
I remember a time when my ex-husband and I were co-parenting, and he brought up an emotional memory we shared with our son.
Initially, I wanted to brush it off—my guard went up. But by opening up and talking about what we both felt, we ended up reminiscing in a sweet, supportive way.
That emotional honesty strengthened our friendship.
6. They’ve cultivated resilience through self-awareness
Sheryl Sandberg once said, “We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.”
In the context of remaining friends with an ex, resilience is key—and self-awareness is the foundation.
Resilience means bouncing back from the emotional upheaval of a breakup. Self-awareness means acknowledging your role in both the relationship’s downfall and in its potential revival as a friendship.
People who successfully maintain friendships with their exes are usually quick to notice their own triggers and patterns, and they put in the effort to manage them.
This might mean recognizing that you tend to get jealous in certain scenarios or that you default to passive-aggressive comments when you feel insecure.
By staying aware, you can correct your course in the moment, preserving the new friendship you’re trying to build.
7. They focus on independence as well as connection
I’ve seen a lot of couples who break up but keep using each other as emotional crutches. That rarely turns into a healthy friendship.
The individuals who manage this transition best are those who have developed their own independence. They don’t rely on their ex for constant emotional validation or support.
Yes, they’re friends—but they’re also two separate people moving on with their lives.
Independence means they have their own hobbies, social circles, and personal goals. They don’t look to their former partner to fill every emotional gap.
Psychologically speaking, this balanced approach is crucial: it prevents co-dependency from sneaking back in and derailing the new dynamic.
From a personal standpoint, I’ve found that my time focusing on my son, my writing career, and my hobbies creates a healthy emotional space.
It leaves less room for confusion about whether I’m missing my ex as a partner or just valuing him as a friend.
8. They let go of the “all or nothing” mindset
Have you ever thought, “If we’re not together, we have to cut ties completely”?
People who remain friends with their exes don’t typically buy into that kind of black-or-white thinking. Instead, they recognize the shades of gray in human relationships.
This might mean deciding they can still have inside jokes, meet up for coffee, or support each other’s career moves without rehashing old romantic feelings.
Letting go of the “all or nothing” mindset frees them from the pressure to either be intimately involved or not involved at all.
According to a study by the British Psychological Society, a lot of ex-couples maintain some form of friendship for practical reasons—shared friend groups, co-parenting, or mutual work environments.
But those who do it successfully also embrace nuance: they understand you can be friendly without being romantically entangled.
9. They remain flexible and open to growth
Last but definitely not least, people who stay friends with their exes keep an open mind about what that friendship may look like in the future.
They don’t lock themselves into fixed expectations.
Maybe they’ll talk every day, or maybe they’ll only catch up once a year. They allow the connection to evolve as both individuals grow and change.
This flexibility is a hallmark of emotional growth.
When you aren’t rigidly attached to how the friendship “should” be, you can adapt to different life stages without resentment or drama.
For instance, if one person starts dating someone new, the frequency of hangouts might shift—and that’s okay. A willingness to adapt is often the secret sauce that keeps friendships with exes on solid ground.
Wrapping up
Staying friends with an ex is no small feat. It requires a mixture of empathy, openness, and healthy boundaries—plus a willingness to be vulnerable while still nurturing your own independence.
Here at DM News, we’re big fans of acknowledging that relationships can take many forms, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to emotional maturity and respect—both for yourself and for the person you once shared a deep bond with.
If you’re considering forging a friendship with your ex, reflect on these nine patterns and see if they resonate.
Chances are, the path won’t always be smooth, but with self-awareness and clear communication, it can be one where both parties continue to grow and thrive.
