If you were told “stop crying” or “you’re too sensitive”, chances are you were brought up by folks lacking in emotional intelligence.
Sadly, this is a common tale.
Emotional intelligence isn’t everyone’s strong suit.
Some folks struggle with it more than others, often passing down their own misunderstandings to their offsprings.
These phrases could be the tell-tale signs of that not-so-emotionally intelligent upbringing.
Let’s delve into them.
1) “Stop crying”
Tears are as natural as laughter.
They’re an outlet, a release for emotions that are too overwhelming to keep bottled up. It’s a human thing, really.
However, if you’ve often heard “stop crying” growing up, you’ve experienced a classic case of emotional intelligence deficit.
“Why so?” you may ask.
Well, it’s because emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of expressing feelings, instead of suppressing them.
They wouldn’t discourage tears, but rather encourage open communication about the feelings causing them.
If “stop crying” was a regular phrase in your childhood, it could mean your caregivers were struggling with their emotional intelligence.
Not very fun to deal with, is it? But understanding this helps us grow past it.
2) “Don’t be so sensitive”
Ah, this one hits close to home.
Growing up, I was often told, “Don’t be so sensitive”, whenever I expressed my feelings.
It was like a knee-jerk reaction from the adults around me, especially if those feelings were inconvenient or uncomfortable for them.
The message I received was clear: displaying emotions was a sign of weakness, and it was better to toughen up and hide them away.
But here’s the kicker: being sensitive is not a flaw. It’s a strength. It means you’re in tune with your emotions and the emotions of others. You’re capable of deep empathy and understanding.
If you’ve heard this phrase often, know this – your sensitivity is not something to be ashamed of.
It’s something to be celebrated. And it’s likely that those who discouraged it simply didn’t have the emotional intelligence to comprehend its value.
3) “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”
Here’s a common one: “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”. This phrase is often used to dismiss or belittle someone’s feelings or reactions.
This kind of emotional invalidation can contribute to mental health issues including depression and anxiety.
It’s a clear sign of low emotional intelligence when someone disregards your feelings, claiming they’re overblown or unjustified.
Emotionally intelligent individuals, on the other hand, understand that feelings are subjective.
What may seem insignificant to one person can be earth-shattering to another. They respect these differences rather than belittling them.
4) “Because I said so”
Remember hearing “Because I said so” as a response to your innocent “why”?
This phrase is more than just a quick way to end a potentially long conversation. It’s a sign of poor emotional intelligence.
Emotionally intelligent parents understand the importance of explaining their decisions and actions to their children.
They know that by doing so, they’re teaching their children how to reason, understand, and empathize.
On the flip side, “Because I said so” shuts down any opportunity for understanding or discussion. It sends the message that your thoughts, questions, and feelings are unwelcome or unimportant.
And that’s not a message anyone deserves to receive.
5) “You’re just like your [parent/relative]”
I can’t count the number of times I heard, “You’re just like your father” when I did something that wasn’t appreciated.
It was as if my actions were not my own, but rather a reflection of someone else’s character.
The problem with this phrase is that it doesn’t address the behavior itself, but instead judges and labels the person.
It makes you feel as if you’re destined to repeat the same mistakes as your relatives, without any room for change or growth.
I’ve come to realize that emotionally intelligent parents address the behavior, not the person.
They understand the importance of separating the two.
They would say something like, “What you did was not okay” instead of labeling their child with a comparison.
You are your own person, not just a reflection of someone else.
6) “I’m disappointed in you”
Here’s a tricky one: “I’m disappointed in you”. Sounds like a valid expression of emotion, right?
Well, not quite.
See, the issue here is not expressing disappointment. It’s tying that disappointment directly to the person rather than their actions.
This can make a child feel as though they themselves are a disappointment, rather than just their actions being disappointing.
Emotionally intelligent parents would phrase it differently. They’d say something like, “I’m disappointed in your actions” or “What you did was disappointing”.
This way, they’re expressing their feelings without making their child feel like they are the problem.
Subtle difference in phrasing, huge difference in impact.
7) “Boys don’t cry”
The phrase “Boys don’t cry” is a classic example of emotional intelligence gone awry.
It’s steeped in gender stereotypes, suggesting that boys and men shouldn’t express their emotions openly.
This is not only harmful to the individual being told to suppress their feelings, but it also perpetuates an unhealthy societal mindset about masculinity.
Emotionally intelligent parents understand that emotions are not gender-specific.
They encourage all children, regardless of gender, to express their feelings openly and without shame.
Tears are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of being human.
8) “You’re too young to understand”
The phrase “You’re too young to understand” is a classic dismissal. It assumes that age is the sole determinant of understanding or experiencing emotions.
The truth? Emotions don’t discriminate by age. Children can feel just as deeply, if not more so, than adults.
They may not have the vocabulary to express their feelings accurately, but that doesn’t mean their feelings are any less valid.
The most important thing to remember is that everyone’s emotional experiences are valid, regardless of their age.
An emotionally intelligent person acknowledges this and treats every feeling with the respect it deserves.
Wrapping it up
If you’ve made it this far, hopefully, you’ve had some revelations about your own upbringing. But remember, this isn’t about pointing fingers or laying blame.
People with low emotional intelligence often don’t realize the impact of their words.
They may have been doing the best they could with the tools they had at the time.
What’s important now is what you do with this understanding.
It’s a chance for growth, for healing. It’s a chance to break the cycle and foster emotional intelligence in yourself and those around you.
After all, as Dr. Maya Angelou wisely said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
And that’s what emotional intelligence is all about – knowing better, so we can do better. Not just for ourselves, but also for the people who share our lives.
Take a moment to reflect on these phrases and their impact on your life. And remember – it’s never too late to learn, grow and change.
