- Tension: Parents often grapple with the fear that their children may not respect them as they grow older, questioning if their current behaviors are fostering long-term mutual respect.
- Noise: Societal norms frequently suggest that strict discipline, constant correction, and maintaining authority are the primary ways to earn a child’s respect, potentially overlooking the importance of empathy and consistency.
- Direct Message: True respect from children is cultivated through consistent, empathetic parenting practices—such as acknowledging their feelings, modeling honesty, and maintaining clear boundaries—that build trust and mutual understanding over time.
This article follows the Direct Message methodology, designed to cut through the noise and reveal the deeper truths behind the stories we live.
Parenthood is one of those roles that feels both immensely rewarding and constantly challenging. We all want to raise kids who respect us, yet it’s easy to fall into patterns that unintentionally push them away.
I’ve seen this in my own life when interacting with my niece and nephew.
Sometimes I catch myself slipping into old ways of handling conflict or passing quick judgment without really listening, and as a result, the kids look visibly confused and upset.
It’s a humbling reminder that respect is built day by day, through consistent, conscious actions.
At DM News, we firmly believe in fostering healthier bonds by first understanding what not to do. So, let’s unpack some habits that might be quietly undermining your child’s respect for you as they grow up.
Constant criticism
No one likes to be criticized all the time, especially kids, who are still figuring out how to navigate the world. Yet it’s so easy to slip into a pattern of constant correction, especially when you want what’s best for them.
But here’s the thing: research shows that too much criticism can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and even resentment.
As a rule of thumb, the ratio of positive to negative interactions in a healthy relationship should be at least five to one. In other words, for each critical remark, there should be multiple positive affirmations or validations.
It doesn’t mean you have to sugarcoat every issue.
Kids do need guidance, and sometimes that guidance involves hearing what they can do better. Still, there’s a vast difference between constructive feedback (“Your room’s a bit messy—how about we try to keep it more organized?”) and constant nitpicking (“Your room is always a disaster! Why can’t you ever do anything right?”).
One invites them to grow; the other just tears them down.
Shutting down their feelings
Have you ever brushed off your child’s tears or frustration with phrases like “Stop being so dramatic” or “You’re fine, move on”? It’s more common than we’d like to admit.
Sometimes we’re just exhausted. Other times, we honestly believe we’re helping our children learn resilience. However, dismissing a child’s emotions can signal that you don’t take them seriously.
Acknowledging your child’s emotions—no matter how trivial they seem to you—is crucial for building trust and respect. Kids who feel heard tend to feel valued, and that paves the way for a stronger relationship in the long run.
Personally, I remember a time when my niece was upset about something that seemed so small in my eyes—she’d misplaced her favorite hairband. My initial reaction was to say, “Oh, it’s just a hairband, let’s get another.” But I caught myself and instead acknowledged that it mattered to her in that moment.
I could see her posture relax when I said, “I get it—it’s frustrating to lose something you really like.” A tiny moment, sure, but those small moments add up to a larger sense of respect and empathy.
Modeling dishonesty
Kids are natural sponges.
They pick up on everything—your words, your tone, and your actions, even when you think they’re not paying attention.
If they see you bending the truth regularly—saying one thing at home and another to friends, or making promises you don’t keep—they’ll eventually lose trust. And when trust goes out the window, respect often follows right behind it.
It might be tempting to tell a “white lie” here and there.
However, think about how that might register in a child’s mind. If you’re making up excuses every time you’re late to a gathering or telling them not to tell mom/dad about something, you’re basically showing them that lying is okay when it suits your needs.
That’s a shaky foundation for a respectful relationship.
To be fair, life isn’t always black and white. Sometimes complicated situations arise. But if your child notices you value honesty, even when it’s hard or awkward, they’re more likely to respect you for it.
Over time, they’ll see that your word truly means something.
Overly controlling behavior
There’s a fine line between guiding your child and trying to control their every move.
While structure is important, especially for younger kids, becoming a micromanager can backfire in the long run.
I’ve mentioned this before but attempting to dictate every aspect of a child’s life—from what they wear and who they can be friends with, to which hobbies they’re allowed to pursue—risks teaching them that you don’t trust their judgment.
If they grow up feeling stifled, they may resent you or rebel. Sometimes, kids just shut down and stop sharing things altogether. It might be uncomfortable to watch your kid make choices you wouldn’t.
But letting them learn from small failures builds confidence and independence.
This doesn’t mean letting them run wild without boundaries.
Rather, it’s about offering balanced guidance while allowing room for their individuality to shine through. When they sense you respect who they are as a person, they’re more inclined to return that respect.
Having inconsistent boundaries
Boundaries that shift depending on your mood or energy level send mixed signals.
One day, a certain behavior is met with a stern lecture.
The next day, you’re so exhausted you just ignore it. It’s confusing, and it can erode respect because your child never knows what to expect from you.
I vividly recall a close friend who, growing up, had a curfew that would change unpredictably. `ne weekend, she had to be home by 8 p.m. sharp. The next, her parents didn’t bat an eyelid if she walked in at 10 p.m.
The inconsistency made her feel that her parents weren’t really serious about the rules—and so she wasn’t serious about them either.
When you establish boundaries, consistency is key.
If you’re consistent, kids learn that those boundaries actually matter. They might not always agree with them, but at least they’re not left guessing. Over time, this builds a sense of stability and trust.
And trust goes hand-in-hand with respect.
Failing to practice respect yourself
Treat others how you want to be treated.
Children are no exception.
If you routinely snap at servers in restaurants or speak rudely about neighbors or extended family members, you’re modeling disrespect. This can quickly become “normal” behavior for your child—and ironically, that lack of respect might one day be directed back at you.
Moreover, if you don’t show basic respect toward your child—like knocking before entering their room or giving them a chance to share their perspective—you’re inadvertently teaching them that respecting others isn’t all that important.
It also teaches them that their own viewpoint or privacy isn’t valued.
Some of my best memories with family members come from moments when they took a genuine interest in my life and allowed me to ask questions without judgment.
It made me feel safe and seen.
That’s a powerful way to earn a child’s respect. They’ll remember the consistency of your courtesy and openness more than any lecture on good manners.
Over-reliance on external validation
I’ve noticed a growing trend where parents place heavy emphasis on awards, grades, and achievements.
It’s natural to celebrate your child’s accomplishments, of course.
But when external validation becomes the main focus, a child might feel they only matter to you if they perform well in school, sports, or other activities.
This habit often leads to stress and burnout in kids, and ironically, they might lose respect for parents who seem to value accolades more than genuine self-growth.
If kids feel that they must meet certain external criteria to earn love and admiration, they might respect you less because they’ll believe your regard for them is conditional.
Instead, try to pay attention to the process, not just the outcome.
Praise them for their effort, their curiosity, their kindness, and their growth. This approach not only builds their self-esteem but also fosters a mutual respect.
They see that you value who they are—beyond any award or test score.
Putting it all together
As parents (and caring adults in a child’s life), we have the power to shape a culture of mutual respect.
This starts with letting go of habits that undermine trust—constantly criticizing, shutting down feelings, being dishonest or overly controlling, flip-flopping on boundaries, showing disrespect, or attaching too much importance to external achievements.
It’s rarely easy to change these patterns. Sometimes it takes a lot of self-reflection and even a few conversations where you admit your mistakes. Yet the reward—a deeper bond with a child who truly respects you—makes it worth the effort.
After all, when children feel genuinely supported, heard, and valued, the respect they show will be genuine as well.
Let’s commit to building that kind of environment—one day and one habit at a time.
