You know that old saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”?
Well, sometimes, that can be a tough pill to swallow, especially when it comes to emotional availability. Ever heard of it?
It’s this idea that our ability to understand and respond to our own emotions (and those of others) can be heavily influenced by our upbringing.
Particularly, by how emotionally available our parents were (or weren’t).
Now, here’s the kicker.
You might be displaying certain behaviors linked to your parents’ emotional unavailability without even realizing it.
Not because you’re doing anything wrong per se, but simply because it’s what you’ve always known.
So if you’re sitting there thinking, “Wait, could this be me?” Stay with me.
In this article, we’re going to explore seven behaviors that could indicate your parents were emotionally unavailable. And remember, understanding is the first step towards change.
So let’s dive in.
1) Difficulty expressing emotions
Here’s the thing.
If your parents were emotionally unavailable, chances are, you might struggle expressing your emotions. Sounds familiar?
This isn’t about pointing fingers.
It’s just that growing up in an environment where emotions weren’t openly discussed or validated can make it tricky for you to navigate your own feelings.
You might find yourself holding back tears during a sad movie, or maybe you brush off compliments instead of accepting them gracefully.
Heck, you might even feel uncomfortable when someone else is expressing their emotions.
Remember, there’s no right or wrong here. It’s simply a pattern that might resonate with you. And acknowledging this is the first step towards change.
But hey, don’t beat yourself up if this sounds like you. Emotional expression is a learned skill, and it’s never too late to learn.
2) Tendency to self-isolate
You know, for the longest time, I couldn’t understand why I would pull away from people.
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy their company. Quite the opposite, actually. But somehow, when things got emotionally intense, I’d find myself retreating into my shell.
This, as it turns out, is a common behavior among those of us who had emotionally unavailable parents. Why? Well, when we’re used to dealing with our emotions alone as kids, we tend to carry this habit into adulthood.
Instead of opening up and sharing our feelings with others, we end up isolating ourselves. We believe it’s easier to deal with emotions solo rather than burden someone else with our problems.
If this resonates with you, remember: it’s okay to lean on others and let them be there for you. After all, we all need a little help sometimes.
3) You’re a people-pleaser
Let’s touch on an uncomfortable truth.
Are you the one always saying “yes”? Even when you’re screaming “no” inside?
It might seem like you’re just being nice, but deep down, there’s a chance this people-pleasing tendency is rooted in something deeper.
See, when your parents were emotionally unavailable, you might have felt the need to constantly prove your worth.
You might’ve thought that if you could just be good enough, do enough, or say yes enough, then maybe they’d finally give you the emotional connection you craved.
So here you are now, still trying to please everyone at the cost of your own happiness.
If this hits home, here’s what I want you to remember: it’s okay to say no.
It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. You’re deserving of love and attention, not for what you do, but simply for who you are.
4) Emotional numbness
Ever find yourself in a situation where you should be feeling something, but you just…don’t?
Maybe it’s during a heated argument, or perhaps it’s when you’re supposed to be experiencing joy, like at a friend’s wedding. But instead, you feel nothing. Nada. Zilch. An emotional void.
This is known as emotional numbness. And it’s a common defense mechanism for those with emotionally unavailable parents.
Growing up, if your emotional needs weren’t met or if expressing emotions led to discomfort or conflict, shutting down emotionally may have felt like the safest option.
Here’s the thing though – emotions are a part of being human. It’s okay to feel, even if what you’re feeling isn’t necessarily pleasant.
In fact, allowing yourself to truly feel can be a powerful step towards healing.
5) You have a high tolerance for poor behavior
Did you know that elephants are known for their incredible patience?
They can endure all sorts of unfavorable conditions and still remain calm.
But unlike elephants, when humans display a high level of tolerance for poor behavior, it’s often not a positive trait.
If you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents, you might find yourself tolerating unacceptable behavior from others more than you should.
This could be because you’re used to having your feelings invalidated, so you’ve learned to dismiss or downplay unacceptable actions from others.
Remember, everyone deserves respect and kindness. Don’t settle for less just because it’s what you’re accustomed to.
6) Fear of rejection
I want you to know, it’s perfectly okay to be scared. Fear is a normal human emotion, and it doesn’t make you weak or flawed.
But if you’ve noticed a deep-seated fear of rejection that seems to dictate many of your actions, it could stem from having emotionally unavailable parents.
Growing up, you might’ve felt rejected when your emotional needs weren’t met by your parents.
And this fear of being rejected may have followed you into adulthood, affecting your relationships and interactions with others.
It’s important to remember that we all face rejection at some point, and it’s not a reflection of your worthiness or lovability. You’re enough, just as you are.
7) Overthinking and self-doubt
Here’s the truth.
If you’ve been second-guessing yourself, questioning your worth, or overthinking every little decision, it’s not because you’re incapable or unworthy.
It might be because your parents were emotionally unavailable.
Growing up, you might have felt that you needed to think and rethink everything to avoid disapproval or disappointment.
This habit may have followed you into adulthood, causing self-doubt and overthinking.
Know this: your worth isn’t up for debate, and making mistakes is part of being human. Trust in your abilities and believe in your worth. You’ve got this.
Embracing the journey
If you see yourself reflected in these behaviors, know that it’s not a life sentence. Yes, your upbringing may have shaped these patterns, but it doesn’t define you.
The beauty of self-awareness is that it gives you the power to change.
It’s about recognizing these behaviors, understanding where they come from, and then working towards shifting them.
Take a moment each day to check in with yourself.
Are you suppressing your feelings? Are you tolerating more than you should? Are you prioritizing others over yourself?
Change won’t happen overnight. And that’s okay.
Little by little, as you start to recognize and challenge these behaviors, you’ll find the balance between expressing your emotions and maintaining your relationships.
Remember, this journey is about progress, not perfection. It’s about learning to honor your feelings and needs while still being there for the people you care about.
So be patient with yourself. Celebrate every small step forward. Seek support when you need it.
You’re on a journey towards a more authentic and emotionally available version of yourself. And that’s something to be proud of.
