“People don’t change as they get older, they just become more themselves,” my grandmother used to say.
But is that really true?
As we age, our priorities shift, our lives change, and sometimes, without even realizing it, we end up distancing ourselves from the very people we once considered our closest friends.
Let’s face it.
Relationships take work. And sometimes, it’s our own habits that are the biggest roadblocks in maintaining them.
Ever caught yourself wondering – “Why do I seem to be losing friends as I get older?”
Well, there may be certain patterns in your behavior that you’re not aware of.
Let’s shed some light on this.
1) Prioritizing career over relationships
Adulthood comes with its own set of responsibilities.
You find yourself juggling between work, family, health, and so much more. And often, it’s the career that takes center stage.
Don’t get me wrong.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being career-oriented or ambitious. But when your work-life balance starts to tip heavily towards the work side, it can strain your relationships.
Remember?
Friends are not just for weekends or for when you need a break from your routine. They are part of your life and they need your time and attention.
If you find yourself canceling plans more often than not because of work, or if your conversations with friends are always about how busy you are, you might be unconsciously pushing them away.
2) Neglecting to invest time
Time is a tricky concept, isn’t it?
I mean, I remember when I was younger, it felt like there was always enough time to hang out with friends, catch up on the latest gossip, or just enjoy a lazy afternoon together.
But as I got older, it seemed like there were never enough hours in a day.
I recall one of my closest friends from college, Mark. We used to spend hours discussing everything from philosophy to football.
As years passed, we both got busy with our lives and our meetups became less frequent.
One day, while scrolling through my contacts, I realized it had been months since we last spoke.
It wasn’t that I didn’t value Mark’s friendship anymore. It just felt like I didn’t have the time.
That’s when it hit me.
Just like any other relationship, friendship also requires investment of time.
If you don’t intentionally set aside time for your friends, you might end up distancing yourself from them without even realizing it.
3) Being a fair-weather friend
Okay, let’s hit the nail on the head here.
Are you the type of friend who’s only around when things are fun and easy?
I’ve been there, too.
It’s easy to be a friend when life is full of laughter, parties and good times. But what about when things get tough?
When your friend is going through a tough breakup, or struggling with work stress, or dealing with personal issues?
It’s in those moments our true colors show.
I sheepishly admit that there was a time when I wasn’t the best at sticking around during the hard times. I would listen, nod sympathetically, and then subtly withdraw until the storm passed.
But over time, I realized that this kind of behavior was causing me to lose friends.
Friendship isn’t a fair-weather affair. It’s about being there for each other through thick and thin.
If you find yourself disappearing when your friends need you most, you might be unconsciously cutting ties without even realizing it.
4) Lack of communication
Communication – it’s the lifeblood of any relationship, including friendships.
But as we age, we often underestimate its importance.
Think about it.
When was the last time you checked in on a friend? Sent a text just to say hello? Called up to see how they’re doing?
In my case, I used to assume that my friends knew I cared about them, even if I did not express it regularly. I thought that our history together was enough to keep the bond strong.
But I was wrong.
Silence can be misconstrued. A lack of communication can be perceived as disinterest or indifference. And before you know it, you’ve drifted apart.
If you’re not making an effort to stay in touch, to communicate regularly, you might be slowly and unconsciously severing ties with your friends.
5) Not reciprocating efforts
Did you know that in any relationship, a balance must be maintained for it to thrive?
It’s true.
Friendships are no different.
If a friend is always the one initiating contact, making plans, and you’re just going along for the ride, it can make them feel underappreciated.
Over time, this can lead to them pulling away.
I’ve noticed this in my own life. There was a time when I was always the one reaching out, planning get-togethers, and making an effort to keep the friendship alive.
But when those efforts weren’t reciprocated, it felt draining.
Friendship is a two-way street. If one person is doing all the work, it becomes less of a friendship and more of an obligation.
If you’re not reciprocating the efforts your friends make, you could be unknowingly pushing them away.
6) Failing to show empathy
Let’s be honest, we all go through ups and downs.
And it’s during these times that we need our friends the most.
But here’s the thing – it’s not enough to just be there for your friends, you need to empathise with them, too.
For instance, a friend of mine was going through a really tough time dealing with a family issue.
She would often call me up, tears streaming down her face, pouring her heart out.
At first, I didn’t know what to say or do. I found myself just listening, offering generic advice like “things will get better” or “stay strong”.
But then I realized what she needed wasn’t advice. She needed someone to understand her pain, her struggle. She needed empathy.
Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and truly understanding their feelings. It’s about being kind and patient.
Without it, your friends might feel unheard, unvalued, leading them to distance themselves from you.
If you’re not showing empathy towards your friends’ experiences, you might be unintentionally creating a rift in your friendships.
7) Holding on to grudges
We’re all human. We make mistakes.
And yes, it can be tough when a friend hurts you or betrays your trust. It’s natural to feel upset, maybe even angry.
But holding on to that grudge, letting it fester and poison your friendship, is one of the fastest ways to drive a wedge between you.
Forgiveness is not just about the other person. It’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment and anger.
By not letting go of past hurt, you might be unconsciously pushing your friends away.
If you’re holding on to grudges against your friends, it may be time to let go and forgive, not just for the sake of your friendships, but for your own peace of mind as well.
Reflecting on friendships
If you find these behaviors familiar, you’re not alone.
The good news is, being aware of these habits is the first step towards changing them.
Friendships are a vital part of our lives. They provide us with support, love, and a sense of belonging.
As Helen Keller once said, “I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
It’s worth investing time and effort into maintaining them.
Start by acknowledging any behaviors that may be pushing your friends away. It can be tough to admit, but it’s a necessary step towards change.
Next, make conscious efforts to be a better friend.
This could mean setting aside regular time to catch up with friends, showing empathy during their tough times, or learning to forgive past mistakes.
Change won’t happen overnight. But each small step you take towards being a better friend can strengthen your friendships and enrich your life in the process.
In the end, it’s important to remember that we’re all human. We all make mistakes.
But we also have the ability to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves.
Take some time today to reflect on your friendships – what are they like now and what would you like them to be? It’s never too late to start making positive changes.
