When a child laughs, we know they’re happy. When they cry, we know they’re upset. But is it really that simple?
Parenting is a tough job, and sometimes, without even realizing, we might be hurting our little ones more than we’re helping them. It’s not always loud and obvious – often it’s the quiet, subtle things that can have the biggest impact.
In this article, I’m going to share with you 8 quiet ways that we, as parents, might be unknowingly breaking our child’s spirit.
1) Neglecting their emotions
Children’s emotions are a lot like the weather.
One moment, it’s all sunshine and laughter. The next, it’s a storm of tears and tantrums. And just like with the weather, we can’t control these emotional storms – all we can do is prepare for them and provide shelter.
However, in our attempts to guide our children through their emotional thunderstorms, we sometimes end up dismissing their feelings altogether. You know, the classic “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal” or “Big boys/girls don’t cry”.
But here’s the thing – to them, it is a big deal. Their emotions are just as real and valid as ours.
And when we neglect these emotions, we’re sending them a message that their feelings aren’t important or worthy of attention. This could potentially damage their self-esteem and hinder their ability to express themselves in the future.
Next time your child is caught in an emotional tempest, instead of trying to quiet the storm, try to be their safe harbor. Show them that it’s okay to feel and that their emotions are valued.
2) Failing to acknowledge their achievements
I remember when my little girl first learned to tie her shoelaces. She was so proud of herself, her eyes beaming with excitement as she showed me her perfectly tied bow.
But I was preoccupied with work, barely looking up from my laptop as I gave her a half-hearted “That’s great, honey”. It wasn’t until later that night when I saw the disappointment in her eyes that I realized my mistake.
We often get so caught up in our own world that we forget how monumental these “small” achievements are for our kids.
In our eyes, it might just be a shoelace or another drawing of a stick figure family, but for them, it’s a significant milestone.
When we fail to acknowledge these moments, we’re essentially telling them that their efforts aren’t worth celebrating. This can discourage them from trying new things and dampen their enthusiasm.
Let’s make it a point to celebrate our children’s achievements – big or small – because in their world, every step forward is a giant leap.
3) Constant criticism
Did you know that the human brain has a built-in negativity bias? That means we’re wired to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive ones.
In the context of parenting, this means that our children remember and internalize our criticisms more deeply than our praises.
So when we’re always pointing out their mistakes or telling them how they could do better, it can slowly erode their confidence and self-esteem. They might start believing that they’re never good enough, no matter how hard they try.
It’s important to provide constructive feedback to our kids, but let’s not forget to balance it with ample praises and reassurances of our love and support. That way, we’re nurturing their growth without breaking their spirit.
4) Lack of quality time
Time is a funny thing. It slips through our fingers like sand, and before we know it, our kids are all grown up.
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we sometimes forget to slow down and truly connect with our children. But it’s these moments of connection – these shared experiences – that build their sense of security and self-worth.
And when these moments are few and far between, our children might start feeling neglected or unimportant.
So let’s try to make time for our kids – to play with them, talk to them, or simply just be with them. Let’s show them that they’re worth our time, because at the end of the day, it’s not the quantity but the quality of time spent together that truly counts.
5) Not allowing freedom of expression
As a parent, I’ve often found myself in situations where I want to step in and dictate how my child should behave or react. It’s a natural instinct – we want to protect them, guide them, and help them make the ‘right’ choices.
But here’s what I’ve learned: It’s just as important to let our children express themselves freely.
When we constantly dictate their actions, we inadvertently suppress their individuality. They might start feeling like they can’t be themselves around us, or worse, that who they are isn’t good enough.
I’ve realized that it’s crucial to give my kids the space to express their thoughts, feelings, and ideas – even if they’re different from mine. This not only boosts their confidence but also fosters open communication and mutual respect.
Remember, our goal is not to mold our children into mini versions of ourselves, but to help them become the best versions of themselves.
6) Overprotecting them
As parents, it’s in our nature to shield our children from harm – be it physical or emotional. We want to keep them safe, secure, and happy.
But sometimes, in our quest to protect them, we might be doing more harm than good.
When we constantly step in to solve their problems or prevent them from making mistakes, we’re robbing them of valuable learning experiences.
We’re indirectly telling them that they’re incapable of handling challenges on their own, which can lead to a lack of self-confidence and independence.
While it’s important to keep an eye out for our kids and guide them when needed, let’s also give them the freedom to stumble, fall, and pick themselves back up. After all, it’s through overcoming obstacles that they grow and become resilient.
7) Comparing them to others
“Look at how well your cousin is doing in school,” or “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
As parents, we sometimes fall into the trap of comparing our children to others. It’s often done with good intentions – to motivate them or set a benchmark for them.
However, what we fail to realize is that these comparisons can have a negative impact on our children’s self-esteem.
Instead of inspiring them, it might make them feel inadequate or lesser-than. They might start thinking that they’re not good enough as they are and that they need to change to earn our approval.
Every child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. Let’s celebrate their individuality and help them realize their own potential, instead of measuring them against someone else’s yardstick.
8) Conditional love
Love, in its purest form, is unconditional. It’s not dependent on achievements, behavior, or any conditions whatsoever.
As parents, it’s essential that we make our children feel loved and accepted for who they are, not what they do or how they perform.
When our love and approval seem conditional – when our kids feel like they have to earn it – it can shake their sense of security and self-worth.
Let’s assure our children that our love for them is constant and unwavering, regardless of their actions or achievements. Because at the end of the day, that’s what they need the most – to know that they’re loved without conditions or reservations.
Final thoughts
If you’ve made it this far, you’re likely reflecting on your own parenting style – and maybe even recognizing some of these quiet ways in which we can unknowingly hurt our children.
Remember, being a parent doesn’t mean being perfect. It’s about learning, growing, and adapting along with our children. It’s about making mistakes, recognizing them, and doing better next time.
As Frederick Douglass once said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
By being mindful of the subtle impacts of our actions and words, we can foster an environment where our children feel valued, loved, and free to be themselves.
After all, isn’t that what parenting is all about? Let’s take a moment to appreciate the journey we’re on as parents – the highs, the lows, the laughter, the tears – and remember that our ultimate goal is to raise happy, confident individuals who know their worth.
Take a deep breath. You’re doing okay. And remember, every new day is an opportunity to do better.
