We don’t always see it coming, do we? You meet someone who seems charming, intelligent, and fun—yet as time goes by, you notice little things that make you wonder if they really “get” you at all.
A snide comment here. A refusal to empathize there. Suddenly, you’re left questioning whether your partner truly understands or respects your emotional needs.
Here at DM News, we know relationships can be a huge source of growth—or stress. As a practicing relationship counselor (and someone who’s weathered a few emotional storms in her own life), I’ve realized that a major key to a healthy partnership is emotional intelligence.
Dating coaches across the board agree: when emotional intelligence is lacking, it doesn’t just hurt our hearts, it damages our self-esteem, too.
So, if you’ve ever felt confused or dismissed in your relationship, here are eight red flags that might signal your partner lacks emotional intelligence—at least, in the context of what I’ve seen through my counseling work and what many dating coaches advise.
1. They quickly dismiss your feelings
Have you ever tried to share something vulnerable—maybe about a tough day at work or a family conflict—and your partner brushes it off with a vague “you’ll be fine” or an impatient sigh? That’s a glaring sign they might not have the emotional bandwidth to handle someone else’s reality.
Emotional intelligence isn’t just about understanding your own feelings, as Daniel Goleman has famously noted, it’s also about recognizing and validating what others are experiencing. When someone can’t do that—or simply refuses—you’re left feeling alone and unheard.
Dismissing someone’s feelings on the regular will almost certainly create a rift. If you’ve noticed this pattern, ask yourself: “Do I feel comforted or condescended to when I open up?” If the answer leans more toward the latter, it’s time to take a closer look at the bigger picture.
2. They blame you for their own emotions
Sometimes people with low emotional intelligence have trouble managing their own emotional states. So, when they’re frustrated, sad, or insecure, they shift the blame onto you.
One of my clients once shared how her partner would snap, “You made me angry,” whenever he blew up. She tried to tiptoe around his triggers until she realized that his inability to self-regulate wasn’t her responsibility. This kind of blame game can be toxic, feeding a cycle where you feel at fault for any mood swing they have.
Michelle Obama once said, “You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen,” and the same goes for emotional blame. We can’t walk on eggshells forever. Taking ownership of one’s emotions is the cornerstone of emotional maturity, and if your partner isn’t doing that, it’s a significant red flag.
3. They can’t handle honest feedback
“You might have read my post on self-sabotaging habits,” where I touched on the importance of healthy communication in earning respect. Well, in this case, being open to feedback is also a key part of emotional intelligence.
If your partner becomes defensive or shuts you out the moment you share even the gentlest critique—like saying, “Hey, it hurt me when you canceled dinner last minute”—it’s a sign they may lack the ability to process constructive criticism.
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet, once noted the power of introspection in personal development. If your partner can’t pause, look within, and ask, “Why did that bother me so much?” they won’t be able to grow. And if they can’t handle feedback, they’ll never evolve to meet your needs.
4. They lack empathy for others
Maya Angelou wrote, “I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.” That’s a powerful reminder that empathy is a choice—a decision to understand and share another’s feelings.
If your partner consistently shows zero compassion for the troubles of friends, family, or even strangers, you can bet they’re not exercising emotional intelligence. Maybe they complain about a homeless person asking for change, or laugh at someone else’s misfortune.
You may find yourself thinking, “If they can’t empathize with others, will they empathize with me when I need it most?”
It’s something to consider seriously. While people can learn empathy, a chronic lack of it can lead to a relationship dynamic that leaves you feeling neglected and unsupported.
5. They make everything about them
Ever try to talk about your passions or accomplishments, only for your partner to hijack the conversation and turn it into a personal spotlight? If it’s a recurring theme, that’s a clear sign of low emotional intelligence.
“Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth,” said Muhammad Ali. While we can’t all have the heart of a saint, a partner with healthy emotional intelligence knows how to share space, celebrate your successes, and listen without stealing the show.
I remember a former client who felt her partner was always overshadowing her achievements. She got a promotion at work—he interrupted to talk about his big meeting. She finished her first marathon—he pivoted to his high school sports glory days.
Over time, she felt smaller and smaller. It’s a painful place to be in, and a partner truly attuned to your emotional well-being won’t make you feel invisible.
6. They refuse to apologize or compromise
A big part of emotional intelligence is recognizing that relationships thrive on give and take. If your partner can’t ever say “I’m sorry,” or if every compromise has to be on your end, that’s a big warning sign.
Compromise doesn’t mean you both always get your way, but it should at least feel balanced over time. Tony Robbins has said, “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” If there’s no mutual understanding or accountability, that quality suffers immensely.
I’ve seen couples who struggle with the simplest “I was wrong.” Over the years, I’ve learned that an inability to apologize or meet halfway typically masks deeper insecurities—like fear of vulnerability or a need to always be “right.” If your partner’s pride rules the relationship, you’ll constantly feel undervalued.
7. They disrespect your boundaries
Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…
Boundaries are essential in every kind of relationship—romantic, platonic, or even professional. They keep us feeling safe, respected, and understood. But if your partner scoffs at your requests for privacy or belittles your need for personal space, that’s a clear sign they might be missing the emotional intelligence boat.
Brené Brown frequently emphasizes the importance of boundaries, saying, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
If your partner can’t handle the fact that you need an hour of alone time or prefer not to share certain details of your past, it’s not a mere quirk or difference of opinion—it’s a lack of empathy and respect.
8. They use emotional manipulation
I’ve saved a big one for last, friends. Emotional manipulation is a major red flag, and it ranges from guilt-tripping (“If you really loved me, you would…”) to passive-aggressive behavior, and even gaslighting (“You’re just imagining things”).
Sometimes, I think about my own journey writing Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. I delved deep into how codependent partners might ignore or explain away these tactics because they’re afraid of losing the relationship. But I promise, it doesn’t have to be your reality.
Steve Jobs once said, “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.” When your partner manipulates your feelings or perceptions, your inner voice gets drowned out in the chaos.
If you spot recurring patterns of manipulation, it’s time to reassess whether this relationship genuinely supports your emotional well-being.
Final thoughts
Emotional intelligence is more than just a buzzword—it’s the glue that holds a healthy relationship together. It’s about empathy, self-awareness, and mutual respect. If these eight red flags resonate with you, it might be worth having a heartfelt conversation or seeking professional guidance.
Keep in mind, no one is perfect. We all have off days, and we all have emotional blind spots. But consistent patterns of dismissal, blame, and manipulation aren’t “off days”—they’re signs of a deeper problem.
You deserve a partnership that bolsters your self-esteem and nurtures your growth. If these red flags have become the norm in your relationship, don’t ignore that gut feeling that something is off. You’re worthy of a connection where both you and your partner are committed to growing in emotional intelligence together.
Take care of your heart, friends, and remember: being in a loving relationship shouldn’t have to mean sacrificing your emotional well-being. You can have both, and you deserve both. If you’re ever in doubt, reach out for help—because real love respects boundaries, acknowledges mistakes, and always strives to understand how you feel.
Until next time, take care of yourself and those around you.
