We often talk about adulting in terms of bills, jobs, and big decisions—but how many of us are willing to admit we might still be parenting our grown kids the same way we did when they were sixteen?
It’s a tricky balance to strike, isn’t it? On the one hand, we want to protect and guide them; on the other, we know (deep down) that our role needs to evolve as they move into adulthood.
In my experience—both as a single mom and someone who’s spent years exploring relationship dynamics—this shift can be downright confusing. But it’s a critical step for both parents and kids.
After all, young adults need space to flourish, forge their own identities, and learn from their mistakes. And we, as parents, need to step back so we can watch them shine.
So, how do you know if you’re unintentionally stunting their growth by still treating them like they’re in high school? Here are eight signs to watch out for.
1. You make all their decisions
Have you caught yourself picking out their car, choosing where they live, or setting up their doctor’s appointments without consulting them first? While it may stem from love and a desire to help, making all (or most) of their decisions sends a message: “I still see you as a child.”
I remember once trying to pick a new gym membership for my son, purely out of habit. He’d always asked me about sports when he was younger, so I instinctively assumed it was still my job. When I realized he was more than capable—and had different fitness goals than I did—it dawned on me how important it was to give him the reigns.
As business thinker Seth Godin once said, “If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” Let your adult kids try out their own decisions, even if they might fail. That’s how they’ll truly learn what works for them and what doesn’t.
2. You still pay for everything
“How can they learn about financial responsibilities if you’re always footing the bill?” That’s a question I’ve asked parents (and sometimes myself) many times. It’s completely normal to want to help your child get a strong start in life.
But if you cover every expense—from rent to groceries to monthly subscriptions—your grown-up child may not develop the financial discipline or independence they need.
This was a tough one for me. I grew up in a family where money was tight, and I wanted to spare my son that anxiety. But I soon realized that paying for every little thing left him unprepared for managing his own budget.
Now, he handles his day-to-day expenses, and we have open, respectful discussions about money and planning for the future.
3. You set (or strongly enforce) curfews
Ever find yourself texting them at 10 p.m. to ask if they’re coming home soon, or even worse—demanding they be back by a certain time?
A curfew is understandable for a teenager. But for someone who might already be juggling a job or finishing college? Not so much.
As noted by a study, adult children who perceive their parents as overly controlling can develop feelings of resentment and a lowered sense of personal efficacy.
Simply put, it can damage your relationship and their ability to feel capable. Let them have their own schedule. If you’re worried, express concern in a caring way—without turning it into a command from the old days.
4. You micromanage their relationships
If you find yourself scrutinizing everyone your adult child hangs out with—from their new partner to that friend from work—stop and think.
Are you giving them the space to form their own social circles and romantic attachments? Or are you hovering, as though they’re a teen who can’t be trusted to pick good company?
Years ago, a friend of mine would constantly vet her daughter’s potential partners, secretly reading text messages and even going through social media profiles. The result? Tension, secrecy, and an eventual rift between them. The daughter felt disrespected, and the mom was frustrated by the “distance.”
On the flip side, trusting your child’s judgment can encourage open dialogue. They might ask for your perspective on a friend or a new date because they feel safe discussing it, rather than trying to hide it.
5. You shield them from responsibilities
“Let me just call your landlord and sort this out.” “I’ll email your professor for you.” “Don’t worry, I’ll handle the bank.” These are all well-intentioned gestures that can do more harm than good.
Adulting includes facing uncomfortable tasks and tricky conversations. If you keep leaping in to smooth out every bump, you’re effectively saying, “I don’t think you can manage this on your own.”
I did this myself not too long ago. My son had an issue with a credit card charge, and I was just one phone call away from handling it for him. Then I remembered a quote by leadership expert John C. Maxwell: “A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”
Our role is to guide and show, not to bulldoze every obstacle. Give them a chance to experience the real-world tasks they’ll need to manage for the rest of their lives.
6. You expect immediate compliance
Ever catch yourself using phrases like “Because I said so” or demanding that your adult child jump at your every request the way they did at 13? Let’s face it—our authority changes as they age. They’re no longer minors under our roof, and respect becomes a two-way street.
You might have read my post on establishing boundaries with loved ones, where I touched on how crucial respect is in maintaining healthy relationships. That rings especially true for the dynamic between parents and adult kids.
If you continue to expect them to comply without question, you risk breeding resentment and stifling their sense of agency.
Instead, aim for dialogue. Explain your reasons if you’re making a request, and be open to negotiation. This shift from “Because I said so” to “Let’s talk about it” can make a world of difference in preserving mutual respect.
7. You don’t respect their privacy
Do you “accidentally” stumble upon their emails, read their mail, or inquire about private matters that aren’t yours to probe?
When they were teenagers, maybe a certain level of supervision felt reasonable (though arguably still fraught with tension). But now that they’re grown, snooping around their personal life is a surefire way to break trust.
This is backed by experts like Stephen Covey, who once noted that “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication.” If you violate your adult child’s privacy, you’ll weaken that crucial trust bond and ultimately push them away.
Let them share information at their own pace and comfort level—when they feel safe, they’ll open up far more than if they sense you’re prying.
8. You’re over-involved in their career choices
Perhaps most crucially, there’s the matter of career involvement. Do you find yourself updating their resume without their knowledge, constantly checking job boards for them, or insisting they follow a path you’ve chosen? Encouragement is wonderful, but there’s a fine line between offering support and hijacking their career.
At DM News, we often discuss how personal development and professional growth go hand in hand. The same principle applies to parenting adult kids. Their profession is a massive part of their identity. If you take charge of every decision, you risk stifling their ambitions and goals.
Let’s not forget that different careers hold different meanings for each person. A role that feels like a dream to you may be a nightmare to them (and vice versa). Give them space to figure it out, and they’re more likely to find genuine fulfillment—which leads to a healthier parent-child relationship in the long run.
Wrapping up
Stepping back as your child steps into full-blown adulthood is no small feat. It requires letting go of the familiar (and often comfortable) ways we used to parent. But it also grants us the privilege of watching our kids blossom into their full potential.
If any of these signs hit home, remember it’s never too late to change course. Awareness is half the battle. Start having open conversations, set boundaries respectfully, and give your grown kids the freedom to make their own choices—even if they stumble now and then.
As Sheryl Sandberg once said, “We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.” Embrace this new stage with compassion and curiosity. Your adult child will be grateful—and you’ll find a deeper, more fulfilling connection together in the long run.
Here’s to evolving alongside our kids and nurturing relationships that empower everyone involved. After all, parenting doesn’t end when they turn 18—it just transforms into something richer and more rewarding.
