After nearly two decades of absence, a father suddenly decided he wanted to be involved in parenting his adult sons. But when he tried to enforce strict rules, their mother refused to comply.
In a Reddit post, the mother explained that while she had been the primary parent for 20 years, her ex-husband was now attempting to dictate their sons’ behavior—despite them being 19 and 21 years old. His sudden interest in co-parenting came with a controlling approach, which she was unwilling to adopt.
Now, she’s wondering if she’s in the wrong for rejecting his parenting style and sticking with the mutual respect she’s always fostered with their sons.
Dad reappears after 19 years and tries to enforce strict rules on adult sons, but mom refuses
The original poster (OP) explained that for most of her sons’ lives, their father was uninvolved. But in the past couple of years, as the boys—now 19 and almost 21—have been splitting time between her house and their dad’s, he has suddenly taken an interest in parenting.
However, his approach is far from collaborative. OP described how she has always prioritized mutual respect and open communication with her sons, but her ex-husband is now attempting to impose strict rules, particularly on their older son, who has struggled with mental health issues for several years.
Recently, OP, her ex, their sons, and OP’s father (who the ex-husband actually respects) sat down to discuss expectations. They all agreed that rather than enforcing harsh rules, they would focus on respectful consideration—no controlling behavior from the parents and no unreasonable behavior from the sons.
But as soon as they left the meeting, OP’s ex ignored the agreement. He immediately texted her, demanding that she stop their son from going out that night. “You better make sure he doesn’t go out tonight,” he wrote aggressively.
Rather than forcing restrictions onto her son, OP had a conversation with him. They mutually agreed that 12:30 a.m. would be a fair time for him to come home—especially since she had recently adopted a new dog who needed care. Her son respected the agreement and walked in at 12:31 a.m.
Meanwhile, OP’s ex was relentlessly spamming her with messages, accusing her of allowing their son to ignore his rules. Eventually, OP shut him down completely. “I msgd ex hubby back that of course I didn’t want to talk to you about it,” she wrote. “Cuz your resort is to take the car unless things go in your favour… I’d rather be reasonable, fair and respectful of our men instead of being a controlling AH so that they resent you so much they completely lose contact.”
Despite her confidence in her parenting approach, OP turned to Reddit to ask if she was wrong for refusing to adopt her ex’s controlling methods.
Can a parent suddenly step in and take control after years of absence?
One of the biggest questions raised by OP’s situation is whether a parent who has been absent for nearly two decades has the right to suddenly impose rules and control over their children—especially when those children are now legal adults.
OP’s ex-husband wasn’t involved in parenting for most of their sons’ lives but is now attempting to assert authority as if he never left. His approach, however, appears more focused on control than actual co-parenting. Instead of working with OP and their sons collaboratively, he jumped straight into making demands, disregarding the parenting style that had been in place for 20 years.
Many Reddit users pointed out that his behavior wasn’t about what was best for their kids—it was about power. One commenter wrote, “Your mostly absent ex doesn’t get to dictate your parenting style—especially when his method is based on coercion and manipulation.”
Others questioned why OP was even entertaining co-parenting at this stage, given that both of their sons are now adults. “Why do you have to co-parent with this guy?” one user asked. “Both your kids are legal adults, and they’re free to make their own choices, including how long they stay out.”
These responses highlight an important reality: parenting dynamics change as children grow up. While guidance and support are still valuable, enforcing arbitrary restrictions on adult sons—especially from a father who was largely absent—may only push them further away.
Respect, control, and the evolving role of a parent
At some point, parenting shifts from setting strict rules to guiding and respecting a child’s autonomy. OP seems to understand this transition, treating her sons as young men capable of making responsible decisions. Her ex, on the other hand, appears stuck in an outdated mindset—one where parenting means control rather than mutual respect.
But the bigger issue is whether his sudden involvement is even truly about parenting. If he had been absent for nearly two decades, why now? Is it guilt? A need to assert dominance? Or an attempt to prove something to himself? Whatever the case may be, his actions don’t seem rooted in what’s actually best for his sons.
As one commenter pointed out, OP’s approach—based on communication rather than coercion—had already proven effective. Her son agreed to a reasonable curfew and followed through. That kind of respect isn’t forced; it’s earned over years of trust-building.
Ultimately, OP’s ex may find that real parenting isn’t about stepping in at the last moment to enforce authority—it’s about being present, day in and day out, through every challenge and milestone. And if he missed out on that role for 19 years, he may have to accept that his influence over his sons’ lives is no longer his to demand.
