People often assume that being deeply empathetic automatically means you form close bonds with everyone you meet. After all, if you can sense what others are feeling, shouldn’t it be easier to connect?
In reality, that’s not always the case. Many of us with a strong sense of empathy have a surprisingly hard time establishing meaningful relationships.
We might be quick to pick up on someone’s sadness, but still struggle to share our own feelings—or even feel comfortable receiving support in return.
So, what’s going on? In my view, a lot can be traced back to experiences we had while growing up.
I’ve met plenty of people who are highly empathetic today but report feeling lonely or disconnected in adulthood. When they reflect on their childhood, common themes start to pop up—events or dynamics that shaped how they interact with others.
Here at DM News, we often talk about the psychology behind behaviors and mindsets. And while marketing and consumer trends are our bread and butter, we also believe personal growth plays a significant role in shaping how professionals navigate their careers and relationships.
With that in mind, let’s explore nine childhood experiences that can lead to deep empathy on one hand and difficulty connecting with others on the other.
1. They were the family mediator
Growing up in a home where arguments flared up regularly can turn a child into a family peacemaker. This child quickly learns to read the emotional temperature of the room, anticipating clashes before they happen and doing whatever they can to soothe everyone’s tempers.
Maybe they were the one calming down a frustrated parent, cheering up a sibling, or smoothing over family disagreements during dinner. By becoming hyper-attuned to shifts in mood, they developed a keen ability to feel what others feel.
However, they rarely had space to share their own emotions. As adults, they’re incredible at supporting others, yet they might find it hard to open up themselves, perpetually stuck in the role of caretaker instead of equal participant in relationships.
2. They learned love is conditional
Some families unintentionally teach children that affection and acceptance come with strings attached. Maybe a parent only offered praise when the child performed well academically or excelled in sports.
If a child felt they had to earn love by meeting certain standards, they’d learn to vigilantly monitor other people’s moods and needs to maintain approval.
Over time, this vigilance can foster deep empathy—knowing exactly what it takes to make someone happy. But it can also become a barrier to genuine connection.
Adults who grew up this way might default to people-pleasing, afraid to show any side of themselves that isn’t “perfect.” Their empathy runs deep, but they may struggle to trust that love and friendship can exist without constant effort on their part.
3. They were encouraged to “grow up fast”
Some kids are thrust into adult responsibilities far too soon. Whether it was looking after younger siblings, helping manage the household, or even emotionally supporting a parent who was struggling, these children became miniature grown-ups before they had a chance to just be kids.
When this happens, a child learns to see the world through adult eyes pretty quickly. They pick up on adult stressors, frustrations, and anxieties—often developing an intense sensitivity to others’ feelings.
As adults, they can sense someone’s distress from a mile away. The flip side is that they might never have learned how to form easy, playful bonds. Socializing can feel foreign, or even trivial, because they spent their formative years in serious, grown-up roles.
4. They felt responsible for others’ emotions
Have you ever heard a parent say something like, “You’re making me sad by doing that,” or “Stop crying, you’re giving me a headache”?
These statements can make a child feel directly responsible for a parent’s happiness (or unhappiness). It’s a subtle but powerful message: “It’s your job to keep my emotions in check.”
For such kids, empathy becomes a coping mechanism. They grow up hyper-alert, sensing every minor shift in someone’s voice or expression to prevent negative fallout.
As an adult, that means your empathy is off the charts, but the idea of fully connecting can be tricky—what if the other person’s negative feelings become “your fault”? This fear can make you keep a bit of distance, even when you genuinely want to be close.
(You might have read my post on boundary-setting, where I talk about the importance of recognizing which emotions are truly ours and which belong to others.)
5. They got overlooked in a large or busy family
Sometimes, the problem isn’t so much that a child was pressured into being responsible for others—it’s that no one paid much attention to them at all.
In a large or chaotic household, a child might learn to be the quiet observer on the sidelines. They study their siblings, parents, or caregivers, figuring out the “dance” of family dynamics—who’s in a good mood, who’s upset, when it’s safe to ask for something, and when it’s best to fade into the background.
This observational skill often morphs into strong empathy in adulthood. But if this child never received enough direct emotional engagement, they can grow up feeling uncertain about how to start or maintain deeper connections.
They’re skilled at listening and empathizing but may find it hard to initiate conversation or share their own inner world.
6. They witnessed unpredictable behavior
A parent or caregiver who oscillates between warm and loving one moment and angry or distant the next creates an unpredictable environment.
Children in these settings have no choice but to become experts at reading emotional cues to survive daily life. They get skilled at anticipating whether Mom is in a “good mood” or whether Dad is about to lose his temper again.
This heightened awareness can translate into remarkable empathy later on. Yet forming stable adult relationships might feel daunting. There’s often a lingering worry that at any moment, someone’s mood or attitude could flip, because that’s what they experienced growing up.
As Dale Carnegie once wrote, “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” For those who spent childhood bracing for volatility, that quote hits especially hard, because they know just how unpredictable those emotions can be.
7. They were shamed for expressing feelings
Some parents discourage kids from expressing too much emotion—telling them to “toughen up,” or shaming them for crying. When that happens, a child might still become highly attuned to other people’s feelings (how else can they stay safe if they can’t openly share their own?), but they also learn to bury their own emotions.
As adults, they’re empathetic listeners, the sort of friend who offers a shoulder to cry on. However, if you ask them to reveal their own vulnerabilities, you might be met with a polite deflection. They genuinely care, but they’ve been taught (or forced) to keep their emotional cards close to their chest.
It’s not that they don’t want to connect—they simply never had the space to develop those skills in a healthy way.
8. They grew up overly protected
On the surface, having parents who cater to your every whim might seem ideal. But being shielded from normal childhood challenges can actually stunt emotional development.
Kids who never face conflict, never have to handle a skinned knee on their own, or never hear “no” learn empathy by observing what’s happening around them—but they never fully practice the art of mutual emotional give and take.
This can lead to a strange combination of strong theoretical empathy (because they were taught to be kind and gentle) but weak interpersonal skills.
As adults, they might feel unsure about how to navigate disagreements or process negative emotions, because everything was always done for them. They empathize with others but can’t figure out how to integrate that understanding into a balanced relationship.
9. They were the “little therapist”
Perhaps most crucially, some children end up in the role of emotional confidant for their caregivers. Mom or Dad might share adult worries about finances, marital issues, or personal regrets, effectively turning the child into a small therapist.
While this scenario often fosters remarkable empathy—the child learns to really listen—it can also create an imbalance that follows them into adult life.
They’re used to being the listener and the fixer but might not know how to switch roles. Sharing their own problems feels unnatural or even selfish. In relationships, they may become so invested in “helping” that they never get the support they need.
As Sheryl Sandberg once said, “We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.” Recognizing this pattern is the first step to allowing yourself to both give and receive care.
Wrapping up
If you relate to any of these childhood experiences, you’re certainly not alone. Many deeply empathetic adults share these hidden struggles.
It’s natural to develop keen emotional radar in families where you either had to be the mediator, emotional guardian, or the overlooked observer. The challenge comes when you try to form fulfilling relationships while still carrying that old emotional blueprint.
The good news is, awareness truly is the first step toward meaningful change. Once you recognize how your childhood experiences might be affecting you, you can begin to explore new ways of connecting—whether that’s through therapy, journaling, support groups, or simply having more open conversations with friends and loved ones.
Remember, empathy is a powerful gift, but it’s okay to let yourself receive warmth and understanding, too. The more you allow yourself to be seen—flaws, worries, and all—the more likely you’ll find the deeper connections you’ve been yearning for.
And as we often say at DM News, personal growth and professional success both start with understanding what makes us tick beneath the surface.
You’ve already taken a step in that direction by exploring these nine childhood experiences. Keep going. You deserve the same empathy and care you extend to everyone else.
