There’s a fine line between love and control, and sometimes, it all boils down to communication.
If someone speaks to you in a certain way, it might not be out of love but an attempt to control you.
Control, unlike love, doesn’t give you the freedom to be yourself. It masks itself as care while dictating your every move.
The scary part? The signs can be subtle, hiding behind seemingly loving words. It’s time to learn the difference.
This article will help you distinguish between control and love, just by paying attention to how someone talks to you. Let’s get started.
1) “You always…” or “You never…”
There’s a big difference between constructive criticism and controlling behavior.
In a healthy relationship, your partner might point out your mistakes. But they do it with the intention to help you grow, not to belittle you or make you feel inadequate.
However, when someone frequently uses absolute terms like “you always” or “you never”, it can be a sign of control.
These phrases are common in controlling relationships. They’re an attempt to make you feel like you’re constantly messing up, that you can never do anything right.
The aim? To keep you second-guessing yourself, to make you feel like you’re the problem when in fact, it’s their controlling behavior.
Remember, in a loving relationship, your partner wouldn’t want to put you down or make you feel less than. They’d want to lift you up and encourage you.
So, if someone is consistently using these absolute terms with negative implications, it might not be love—it could be control.
2) “I’m doing this for your own good”
Now, this is a phrase that has tripped me up in the past.
“I’m doing this for your own good” or any variation of the phrase might seem like a caring gesture on the surface. I remember when my ex-partner would steer me away from my friends, saying they were a bad influence and that he was ‘protecting’ me.
Over time, I realized this was control in disguise. It wasn’t about my well-being; it was about isolating me from my support network. This is a classic control tactic—cutting you off from your friends and family so you become dependent on them.
In a loving relationship, your partner should respect your choices and autonomy. They can share their concerns, sure, but they shouldn’t dictate who you should associate with or not.
So if someone consistently uses this phrase to justify limiting your freedom, it’s time to take a step back and reassess.
3) “If you loved me, you would…”
This phrase is often used as a manipulation tool, with its roots running deeper into psychological control.
“If you loved me, you would…” is a coercive phrase that twists love into an obligation. It’s designed to make you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations or demands.
Contrary to what many might think, love is not about fulfilling every whim or wish of your partner. It’s about respect, understanding, and mutual growth.
A study from the University of Georgia found that partners who use guilt to manipulate in relationships tend to have higher levels of anxiety and depression.
So if someone tries to guilt-trip you into doing something by questioning your love, remember—it’s not genuine love they’re after; it’s control.
4) “I’m the only one who truly understands you”
This phrase might sound like a testament of deep connection, but it can also be a red flag for control.
When someone says, “I’m the only one who truly understands you,” they’re trying to position themselves as your sole confidant, the only person who ‘gets’ you.
The intent behind this might be to make you feel unique and special in their eyes, but it’s also a way to isolate you from others.
By making you believe that no one else truly understands or appreciates you, they’re aiming to make you reliant on them for emotional support and validation.
Healthy relationships thrive on individuality and external connections. Your partner should encourage your relationships with others, not undermine or restrict them.
So if someone is trying to monopolize your emotional world, it can be a subtle form of control.
5) “You’re overreacting”
This one hits close to home for many of us.
When someone tells you that you’re overreacting, they’re essentially invalidating your feelings and experiences. It’s a way of dismissing your emotions, making you question your own reactions and perceptions.
Love is about respect, and that includes respecting each other’s feelings. If you’re hurt or upset, your partner should listen and try to understand, not belittle your emotions.
This tactic, often referred to as ‘gaslighting’, can be incredibly damaging. It can make you feel like you’re the problem, when in reality, it’s their dismissive behavior that’s at fault.
Remember, your feelings are valid. If someone constantly tells you that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive, it might be control masquerading as love. It’s okay to stand up for yourself and demand the respect that you deserve.
6) “Look what you made me do”
This phrase is a classic deflection tactic, shifting the blame from the speaker’s actions onto you.
I remember when an old friend would lose his temper and then blame me for his outbursts. “Look what you made me do,” he’d say, as if I had control over his actions.
It took me a while to realize that I was not responsible for his behavior. Each of us is accountable for our own actions, regardless of the situation or provocation.
If someone consistently blames you for their actions, it’s not love—it’s control. In a healthy relationship, your partner should take responsibility for their actions and apologize if they’ve done something wrong, not pin the blame on you.
7) “Can’t you take a joke?”
Humor is a great stress reliever and can strengthen connections, but not when it’s used as a disguise for hurtful comments or behavior.
When someone makes a disrespectful comment or does something hurtful, then hides behind the excuse of it being a ‘joke’, it’s a form of control.
They’re trying to get away with inappropriate behavior by making you feel like you’re being too sensitive or lack a sense of humor.
In a loving relationship, your partner should respect your feelings. If something they said or did upset you, they should apologize sincerely instead of brushing it off as a joke.
Remember, it’s not about having a sense of humor—it’s about mutual respect and understanding. If someone consistently uses humor as an excuse for hurtful behavior, it might be control rather than love.
8) “You can’t live without me”
This phrase is one of the most powerful control tactics.
When someone tells you that you can’t live without them, they’re trying to make you feel powerless and dependent on them. They want you to believe that your happiness and survival are tied to their presence in your life.
But here’s the most important thing: You are stronger and more capable than they want you to believe.
You don’t need anyone to complete you. You are whole and valuable on your own. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
True love empowers you, it doesn’t diminish you. If someone is making you feel dependent on them for your happiness, it’s control, not love.
Final thoughts: The power of self-love
When it comes to relationships, understanding the difference between control and love is crucial.
Yet, the core of this understanding and the strength to act upon it often lies within ourselves.
Harvard psychologist Craig Malkin suggests that those with high levels of self-love are less likely to end up in controlling relationships. They possess a healthy self-image, making them less susceptible to manipulation or control.
Embracing self-love means recognizing your worth and not allowing anyone to belittle you or control your life. It’s about setting boundaries and refusing to accept less than you deserve.
Remember, love should empower, not control. It should bring out the best in you, not suppress your spirit.
As you navigate the intricacies of relationships, take a moment to reflect on these signs of control. And most importantly, remember to love and value yourself first. Because you’re worth it.
