I used to think Incel ideology was something that only happened in the darkest corners of the internet.
It seemed so extreme—like a far-off subculture that had nothing to do with the everyday men I encountered in my own life.
But over time, through conversations with friends and personal observations, I started to notice that some of those mindsets can creep in under the radar. The recent Netflix series, “Adolescence” shines a light on this.
A guy doesn’t have to be blatantly hateful or openly misogynistic to show hints of Incel-like thinking.
Sometimes, it’s much subtler.
In this article, I’ll be sharing eight subtle warning signs I’ve picked up on—signs that a man might be unconsciously drifting into Incel-like ideology. Recognizing them can be the first step toward healthier connections and a more positive self-image.
Let’s dive in.
1) He frequently frames dating as a never-ending battle
One of the earliest signs I noticed was the language some men used around dating.
There’d be comments like, “It’s an uphill battle,” or “The odds are stacked against me.” Sure, dating can be tough for everyone, but when it’s constantly described like a war they’re destined to lose, it might indicate a deeper sense of defeatism.
In my experience, this narrative often masks a belief that they’re powerless or that women hold all the cards.
It sets up an “us versus them” scenario in which they see themselves as underdogs, forever at a disadvantage. This worldview can slowly morph into resentment, especially if it goes unchecked.
Have you heard someone in your circle repeatedly declare that all women want is the perfect guy with a fancy car or a six-figure paycheck?
When you dig deeper, it’s rarely about actual experiences they’ve had. Instead, it’s a sign that they might be adopting a worldview rooted in hostility and negativity, possibly influenced by certain online spaces they’ve visited without realizing it.
2) He often blames “the system” for his dating woes
I once went out for coffee with someone who spent the entire date ranting about how dating apps were rigged, how society favored only the best-looking guys, and how “average” men never stood a chance.
At first, I sympathized—modern dating can feel overwhelming. But as he kept going, it became clear that he saw himself as a powerless pawn in a grand conspiracy.
This mindset can be a red flag. Claiming an external “system” is rigged against you shifts all responsibility outward.
It’s as though his dissatisfaction in love or relationships has nothing to do with how he communicates, how he treats people, or how he looks after his own mental health.
Instead, it’s everyone else’s fault, and that external blame can morph into anger toward women, who he perceives as the gatekeepers of happiness.
I’m all for acknowledging structural issues—inequalities do exist.
But if he’s stuck in a loop of “Poor me, the system hates me,” it’s a warning sign he might be flirting with a more toxic ideology.
3) His “nice guy” narrative comes with underlying resentment
Remember the old “nice guys finish last” complaint?
There’s nothing wrong with being nice.
However, when a man uses “I’m a nice guy” as a reason he’s entitled to a woman’s interest or affection, it’s a telltale sign that something deeper is going on.
Often, this complaint is laced with resentment: “Why do women never appreciate guys like me?”
A big sign of creeping Incel ideology is the feeling that one’s kindness ought to be “rewarded.”
If he’s seething over why “nice guys” don’t get the attention he feels they deserve, it reveals a transactional view of relationships: “I’m polite, so you owe me attraction.” That’s not genuine kindness; that’s more like a trade agreement.
I’ve definitely had moments where a man says, “I’m such a good guy, but women just don’t see it.”
By itself, that isn’t alarming.
But when it comes coupled with hostility toward women for not noticing, that’s where it becomes tricky.
4) He believes a specific “type” of man always wins
I remember chatting with a friend who insisted that only guys with perfect abs, flashy cars, and sky-high confidence ever end up in relationships.
It was almost as if he believed every single woman was an identical creature who craved exactly the same qualities.
That’s simply not true—people’s attractions are as diverse as their personalities.
But this type of generalization can be a subtle step toward Incel ideology.
It’s the belief that men fall into two rigid categories: the “lucky ones” (who have it all and always get the girl) and the “unlucky ones” (destined to remain single forever).
This black-and-white thinking ignores the nuances of human connections.
When I began to see this pattern in several men’s stories, it reminded me of my own limiting beliefs in other areas of life, like career or personal growth.
That’s one reason I signed up for Rudá Iandê’s “Free Your Mind” masterclass. Working through the exercises, I realized how often our beliefs about ourselves—and about others—shape our reality.
It wasn’t specifically about dating, but the course inspired me to question the narratives I’d absorbed.
And if you’re feeling stuck in a loop of “I’m not good enough,” you might find the same kind of freedom.
5) He talks about women as if they’re a separate species
Once, I was listening to a coworker describe an argument he’d had with his girlfriend.
Instead of talking about how they could resolve it or communicate better, he kept referring to “how women think” or “how women always act.”
It’s a big sign of Incel-like thinking when someone starts painting all women with a single brush—whether that’s in the context of emotional needs, communication style, or dating preferences.
This generalization strips women of individuality.
Everyone’s different, and reducing an entire gender to one set of traits can lead to dehumanization.
If you notice that a man defaults to stereotypes—like saying all women love drama or can’t be trusted to make logical decisions—it can be a subtle entry point into more dangerous territory.
6) He frequently makes self-deprecating jokes around dating
Self-deprecating humor can be endearing if it’s lighthearted.
But if you notice a man taking jabs at himself repeatedly—especially in the context of “I’m just not good enough for anyone” or “No woman would ever want a guy like me”—it can be a subtle sign of a deeper, more corrosive mindset.
I’ve seen how these jokes can turn into a coping mechanism for loneliness or a cover-up for real feelings of inadequacy.
Over time, if left unchecked, these jokes might morph into genuine anger or bitterness toward women who “won’t give him a chance.” It’s like he’s bracing for rejection so he can say, “See, I knew it,” and validate that internal narrative.
A friend of mine used to dismiss compliments with lines like, “Yeah, well, it’s not like I have any luck dating.”
What started as mild self-put-downs eventually turned into resentment of what he called “shallow women.”
That’s a slippery slope.
7) He seems offended by women’s autonomy
Have you heard men complain that women just want to focus on their careers, travel the world, or stay single a bit longer?
While everyone is entitled to a preference for the kind of relationship they want, feeling personally offended by a woman’s choice to build her life on her own terms can be a clue that he views women’s autonomy as a threat.
I experienced this dynamic when a male acquaintance was outraged that his female friend didn’t immediately accept a romantic overture.
She explained that she was busy finishing grad school and wanted to focus on her career, but he took it as a personal insult.
If every decision a woman makes independently is viewed as a direct jab, that signals an underlying fear or anger—key facets of an Incel-leaning mindset.
8) He routinely attributes his personal failures to women’s “standards”
Finally, I’ve noticed that when some men face setbacks—like struggling to find a job or going through financial stress—they’ll pin part of the blame on the high “standards” of women.
They might complain that women only want men who’ve got it all figured out.
Instead of identifying what they can improve or how to handle challenges, they channel frustration at the nearest target: female expectations.
This can subtly feed into that Incel worldview, promoting the idea that personal setbacks are somehow connected to women’s unattainable demands.
In reality, everyone has their own preferences—and personal growth is an ongoing journey. A willingness to look inward is crucial. If he’s missing that, he’s likely leaning on a narrative of blame, possibly without even realizing it.
Conclusion
It’s important to remember that spotting these warning signs doesn’t mean you immediately label someone as a full-fledged Incel.
In many cases, these behaviors and thoughts have been picked up gradually, shaped by personal disappointments, social media, or certain online communities.
The key is recognizing that these patterns can grow if unchecked. If you see them in someone you care about—or even in yourself—it’s an opportunity to take a step back and question those beliefs.
With understanding and honest self-reflection, it’s entirely possible to steer clear of the resentment and hostility that define Incel ideology.
