It’s no secret that for many people in the Boomer generation, open discussions about emotions weren’t exactly encouraged growing up.
In fact, I’ve heard countless stories from friends whose parents or older relatives believed that “feelings belong on the back burner.”
As a result, some Boomers may find it challenging to express their emotional needs or empathize with those of others.
And when they do feel threatened or uncomfortable in an emotionally charged conversation, they sometimes resort to specific behaviors that act as protective shields.
I’ve seen this dynamic play out in the workplace as well as in my personal circles.
A colleague in her mid-sixties once told me she was raised to believe that “any show of emotion was a sign of weakness.”
These deeply ingrained beliefs can lead to habits that push people away, rather than encourage genuine closeness.
So, let’s look at eight key defensive behaviors that often surface when emotional intimacy feels too daunting.
1. Stonewalling or shutting down
Have you ever tried to have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone, only to be met with silence and averted eyes?
It can feel like hitting a brick wall.
Stonewalling, or shutting down altogether, is a common defensive tactic—especially among individuals who grew up in environments where emotional openness was discouraged.
When someone stonewalls, they may refuse to talk, walk out of the room, or change the subject whenever things get “too real.”
From the outside, it can seem dismissive or cold.
But from the inside, it’s often a desperate attempt to maintain control when vulnerability feels uncomfortable.
Stephen Covey once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Stonewalling is a stark example of that—there is neither open listening nor an attempt to reply constructively.
Breaking through this barrier means creating a safe space for dialogue, being patient, and gently encouraging open expression instead of shutting it down.
2. Minimizing the importance of feelings
“Don’t be so sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.”
If these phrases sound familiar, there’s a good chance you’ve encountered the minimization defense mechanism.
Boomers who aren’t used to delving into the emotional realm might downplay or dismiss the feelings of others—often without even realizing they’re doing it.
It can come off as invalidating, leaving the other person feeling unheard.
I remember chatting with a family friend—he’s in his late fifties—and whenever his wife would mention feeling sad or anxious, he’d reply with something like, “Oh, you’ll be fine.”
But by not taking her emotional cues seriously, he was essentially shutting her out.
The result?
Resentment built up between them over time.
Minimizing another person’s feelings (or even one’s own) might temporarily protect someone from uncomfortable truths, but it also stifles emotional connection.
3. Using sarcasm or deflecting with humor
I love a good joke as much as anyone, but there’s a big difference between lighthearted banter and using humor to dodge emotional conversations.
Have you ever tried to share a vulnerable moment with someone, only to receive a snarky comment in return?
It can feel like your feelings have been trivialized.
Seth Godin once pointed out, “Safe is risky,” suggesting that always playing it safe (in this case, hiding behind humor) can end up being the riskiest move of all, because it robs you of genuine connection.
In many households of the past, being “tough” and comedic was more acceptable than showing vulnerability.
That habit can stick around well into adulthood.
Using sarcasm to sidestep deeper emotions might relieve tension momentarily, but it also sends a message that heartfelt discussions aren’t welcome.
If you notice this pattern, try gently steering the conversation back to the core issue.
Acknowledge any humor, but don’t let it become a substitute for real talk.
4. Over-focusing on tasks instead of emotions
Sometimes, Boomers who aren’t comfortable with emotional intimacy will go into “doer mode” rather than talk things out.
They’ll fix the leaky faucet, run errands, or do anything that keeps them busy, all while ignoring the underlying emotional elephant in the room.
Back when I worked in digital communications, I had a manager in his sixties who never wanted to discuss feelings.
If there was tension on the team, he’d throw himself into spreadsheets and task lists, expecting everyone else to follow suit.
We were “too busy to dwell on personal issues,” he’d say.
But guess what?
The personal issues never really disappeared.
They just sat there, brewing beneath the surface.
Over-focusing on tasks might feel productive, but it usually ends up being a diversion.
True closeness often requires slowing down, looking each other in the eyes, and addressing what’s really going on inside.
5. Shifting blame onto others
Have you noticed that some people point fingers at others whenever conflict arises?
Maybe they say, “If you hadn’t brought it up, I wouldn’t be so angry!” or “You’re too emotional; that’s why I can’t talk to you.”
Blame-shifting is a classic defensive move because it deflects responsibility and keeps the focus off the blamer’s own discomfort.
I once witnessed a couple—both in their late fifties—arguing over holiday plans.
When the wife tried to explain how disappointed she felt about the lack of quality time, the husband immediately shot back with, “You’re the one who didn’t plan anything,” rather than addressing her feelings.
In reality, he was so uncomfortable admitting he might have contributed to her disappointment that he sidestepped the issue altogether.
Shifting blame creates a cycle of resentment. Instead of finding common ground, both parties end up feeling unheard. Breaking this habit requires honest self-reflection and the willingness to say, “I might have a part in this, too.”
6. Avoiding deeper conversations altogether
You might have read my post on the pitfalls of suppressing feelings, but here’s another take: when people grow up without healthy models for emotional discussions, they may just avoid deep conversations like the plague.
Subjects such as fear, shame, or sadness get swept under the rug with a swift “Let’s not talk about that right now.”
It may seem simpler in the moment, but unresolved issues have a way of cropping up later, often at the worst possible times.
I recall a Boomer-aged relative who always changed the subject whenever relationships, mental health, or vulnerability were mentioned.
Eventually, those conversations became impossible to avoid when a family crisis arose.
In the end, it was much more stressful to deal with all those pent-up emotions at once.
A healthy solution could be scheduling regular, low-pressure check-ins.
Maybe it’s over coffee or during a weekend walk.
The goal?
Foster a habit of sharing and listening, rather than bottling things up until they explode.
7. Withholding affection or praise
When emotional intimacy feels threatening, some people might respond by withholding positive reinforcement—like compliments, affection, or even simple acknowledgments of someone’s effort.
It’s almost as if showing warmth or love is seen as “giving up too much” of themselves.
A Boomer couple I know struggled for years with what the wife described as an “emotional dryness.”
She rarely heard a genuine “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” Whenever she tried to talk to her husband about it, he’d say, “You know how I feel. Why do I have to say it?”
Over time, the lack of verbal affirmation took a toll on her sense of closeness.
A kind word, a warm hug, or a heartfelt “thank you” can go a long way in bridging emotional gaps. Holding back on these gestures out of discomfort only widens the divide.
8. Presenting a “tough it out” mentality
Last but definitely not least, we have the “tough it out” mindset.
Growing up, many Boomers were taught that resilience meant never shedding a tear or admitting you can’t handle something on your own.
So instead of discussing fears or uncertainties, they’ll put on a brave face—sometimes to the point of ignoring serious emotional strain.
According to Very Well Mind, bottling up emotions can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues.
But the “tough it out” mentality can be hard to shake, especially when it’s seen as a virtue that helped past generations get through adversity.
The irony is, sharing burdens often lightens them.
Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend or seeking professional support, acknowledging the need for help doesn’t make someone weak—it makes them human.
Defensive behaviors like stonewalling, sarcasm, or blame-shifting may momentarily protect people from uncomfortable feelings, but they also create walls that keep genuine connection at bay.
If you see yourself or a loved one in any of these patterns, know that change is possible. It’s not about pointing fingers; it’s about gently recognizing that behind every defensive behavior lies a fear of vulnerability.
Yes, vulnerability can be scary.
But if we’re brave enough to lean into it, the rewards—authentic relationships, real understanding, and lasting intimacy—are more than worth the effort.
