There’s a fine line between caring for your adult child and controlling them.
That line is defined by respect. Caring for your adult child means respecting their autonomy while still offering guidance when needed. Controlling them, however, involves disregarding their autonomy and making decisions for them.
Being a parent to an adult child is a delicate dance of knowing when to step in and when to step back. And, believe it or not, there are certain boundaries that should never be crossed.
Here are seven limits every parent should be aware of when it comes to their adult child.
As a parent myself, I’ve learned these lessons the hard way. So, let’s dive in, shall we?
1) Autonomy vs. guidance
In the realm of parenting, there’s a constant pull between aiding your adult child and letting them find their own path.
This is where the concept of autonomy versus guidance comes into play.
Autonomy is the capacity to make an informed, uncoerced decision for oneself. As your child grows into adulthood, it’s vital they’re given the space to exercise this autonomy.
But what about when they’re facing a difficult decision or seem to be veering off course? This is where guidance comes in.
Guidance, when asked for or genuinely needed, can be a powerful tool for parents. It’s about sharing wisdom and perspective, not dictating the decision.
The key is to offer guidance in a way that respects your adult child’s autonomy. To do this, avoid imposing your own choices and instead share observations and insights.
Remember, it’s their life and their decisions to make. You’re there to support, not control.
Navigating this balance can be tricky but it’s an essential part of parenting an adult child.
2) Uninvited advice
On the topic of guidance, there’s a huge distinction between giving advice when asked and offering unsolicited advice.
I’ve had firsthand experience with this. I recall a time when my adult son was wrestling with a significant career decision. He had been offered a promotion that would require moving to another city. He didn’t ask for my opinion, but I saw the turmoil he was in and felt compelled to jump in.
I advised him to take the promotion, thinking about the financial stability and career growth it would offer. But in doing so, I failed to consider his own feelings about moving away from his friends and familiar surroundings.
My unasked-for advice led to tension and ultimately hindered our communication. It was a wake-up call for me. I realized that even though I was trying to help, I was crossing a boundary.
The lesson here? Be cautious about giving unsolicited advice to your adult child. Wait for them to ask for your input or at least open up the conversation. If they don’t, trust in their ability to make their own decisions.
3) Financial dependence
The shift from childhood to adulthood is often marked by a growing sense of financial independence. This transition can be challenging not just for the child, but also for the parent.
In the US, a study by Pew Research Center found that in 2019, 52% of young adults lived with their parents, the highest share since the Great Depression. A significant factor contributing to this is financial dependence.
While it’s natural to want to help your child financially, it’s crucial to ensure this doesn’t turn into a form of control. Providing financial support should not equate to buying a say in your adult child’s decisions.
Encourage financial independence in your adult child. Offer advice on budgeting and saving if they need it, but avoid using money as a means of control. Remember, they’re learning how to navigate the world as an adult and that includes managing their own finances.
4) Personal relationships
The personal relationships of your adult child are theirs and theirs alone.
As a parent, it’s tempting to weigh in, especially if you see your child in a relationship that you feel isn’t right for them. However, it’s crucial to remember that they have the right to choose their own relationships.
Your role as a parent isn’t to pick their friends or partners but to be there for them. Offer advice if they seek it, lend an ear when they need to talk, but avoid interfering in their personal relationships.
Respecting this boundary can be challenging, but it’s a vital part of acknowledging your child’s adulthood and independence. Respect their choices and their right to make mistakes, just as you would want your choices respected.
5) Life choices
Years ago, my daughter came to me with news that she was dropping out of college to pursue a career in music. My immediate reaction was panic. I had visions of her struggling, not being able to pay her bills, living a life of hardship.
I wanted to steer her back towards what I saw as a safer path. But then I remembered the dreams I had let go of in my own youth due to fear. The thought of her giving up on her passion because I imposed my fears on her was heartbreaking.
So, I took a step back and instead of trying to control her decision, I supported it.
This doesn’t mean we should blindly support every decision our adult child makes. Instead, it’s about providing a safe space for them to explore their dreams and ambitions. It’s about learning to trust their judgment and accepting that their path may be different from what we envisioned.
6) Unnecessary criticism
Criticism, when constructive, can lead to personal growth and development. However, unnecessary and constant criticism can be damaging, especially when it comes from a parent.
As parents, we may notice faults or mistakes our adult children make and feel compelled to point them out. But it’s important to check our intentions. Are we offering constructive feedback or simply criticizing?
Remember, everyone is a work in progress. Understanding, patience and encouragement go a long way in fostering a healthy relationship with your adult child.
Curb the urge to criticize unnecessarily. Instead, focus on their strengths, celebrate their achievements and offer constructive feedback when needed.
7) Emotional manipulation
Perhaps the most critical boundary to respect is this: never resort to emotional manipulation.
Emotional manipulation can take many forms, from guilt trips to withholding love and affection. It’s a complete breach of trust and can significantly damage your relationship with your adult child.
Your role as a parent is to provide unconditional love and support, not to manipulate your child’s emotions to get what you want.
Always communicate openly, honestly, and with respect. It’s the cornerstone of a healthy relationship between parent and adult child.
Final thoughts: A journey of respect
The transition from parenting a child to parenting an adult is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and most importantly, respect.
A study found that adults who felt their parents were still trying to exert control over them experienced higher levels of tension and lower levels of emotional support.
The concept of “care” and “control” are not mutually exclusive. Care can be expressed without crossing the boundary into control. It’s about providing guidance while respecting their autonomy, offering advice but not imposing it, and supporting their decisions even if they’re not what we would choose.
Being a parent to an adult child is about letting go and trusting that we’ve equipped them with the tools they need to navigate their path. It’s about understanding that their journey may look different from ours, and that’s okay.
In the end, our role as parents isn’t to control our adult children but to care for them in a way that fosters their growth, independence, and ultimately, their happiness.
