Let’s talk about something that’s deeply personal and sometimes a bit taboo—why some adults refuse to care for their elderly parents.
As someone who spent decades working with teens and families as a high school English teacher and counselor, I’ve seen the range of reasons behind strained parent-child relationships.
Now that I’m retired (finally getting to volunteer at community literacy programs and spend more time with my grandchildren), I realize that many of these underlying issues start much earlier than we’d imagine. In fact, the choices adult children make about caring for their parents often have roots in emotional or psychological experiences from their own youth.
In this article, I’ll share eight common childhood experiences that can shape whether we feel compelled—or even obligated—to take care of our parents as they age. While some people step up willingly, others simply cannot or will not, because their own childhood stories run too deep.
1. Growing up in a household without emotional support
Emotional neglect is often overlooked because it’s not as obvious as physical abuse.
But for many children, a cold or dismissive home environment can be just as damaging.
If you grew up feeling like your feelings didn’t matter—maybe no one asked how your day was or you were told to “toughen up” whenever you showed vulnerability—you might carry that sense of invisibility into adulthood.
I’ve seen it firsthand in former students: they’d come to my classroom after school, eyes brimming with tears, looking for someone to confide in.
Often, their parents weren’t offering them the emotional space to be heard or understood.
Those experiences can create a deep well of resentment. Years later, when that parent needs help with basic tasks or craves companionship, the child-turned-adult might say, “They never cared about me, so why should I care for them?”
It’s hard to blame someone who still feels like their needs were never met.
2. Being forced into a caretaker role too young
Some kids have to grow up fast.
Maybe you had to take care of younger siblings while your parents worked three jobs, or you had a parent who struggled with addiction, leaving you to be the responsible one in the household.
If you spent your childhood cooking meals, paying bills (even if you barely understood what a mortgage was), or making doctor’s appointments, you may have been robbed of a carefree youth.
By the time you reach adulthood, you might feel you’ve already done more than your share of caregiving.
So when your parent eventually comes asking for help—maybe years after you’ve finally established your own life—you could feel it’s simply too much. One of my former colleagues once said, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” a principle echoed by many self-care advocates like Brené Brown.
Indeed, if your emotional reservoir was drained early on, you’re going to hesitate before devoting yet more energy to a parent who made you grow up too quickly.
3. Experiencing or witnessing physical or verbal abuse
It’s heartbreaking but all too common: a child grows up in a harsh environment, subjected to or witness to yelling, belittling, or even physical harm.
Over time, these patterns form a deep sense of fear, anger, or loathing towards the abusive parent.
While some people can work through these experiences (often with therapy and a lot of courage), others find the trauma runs too deep.
If the memory of your parent is tied up with fear and pain, it’s understandable you wouldn’t want to be their primary caregiver in their frail years.
Sometimes, the road to forgiveness is just too long, and distancing yourself as an adult might feel like the only way to protect yourself.
4. Growing up with constant criticism or unrealistic expectations
We’ve all known a parent or two who measures their child’s worth by report cards, sports trophies, or piano recitals.
If nothing was ever good enough—if a 98 on a test was greeted with, “Why not 100?”—that can leave deep emotional scars.
Children who grow up feeling they must earn love and acceptance by achieving perfection often develop patterns of self-criticism and anxiety.
Fast forward to adulthood, and you might find yourself exhausted from constantly seeking approval that never fully arrives.
When that same critical parent, who never saw you as “enough,” now needs help, it can stir up feelings of rebellion or relief at finally being free from judgment.
It’s not about revenge; it’s about preserving your emotional well-being. After all, how do you willingly give care and compassion to someone who made you feel less-than for so many years?
5. Having parents who prioritized their own needs above all else
Sometimes parents, intentionally or not, make everything about themselves—whether it’s a career that takes precedence over family time or a social life that leaves no room for kids’ events.
If you felt like your parent’s job, friends, or personal hobbies always ranked higher than your band concert or parent-teacher night, it’s normal to feel dismissed or ignored.
I still remember a conversation with one of my high school students whose father traveled constantly and rarely attended any of her performances.
She was a gifted singer, but her dad always had “important meetings.”
The heartbreak on her face told me how betrayed she felt. “He never showed up for me,” she confided. “Why should I show up for him later on?”
That sense of betrayal can linger well into adulthood.
6. Lacking a sense of safety or stability
A chaotic childhood—moving from house to house, being left with strangers or friends for days, or constantly worrying about money or even food—can erode a child’s sense of security.
In many cases, the parents might have been dealing with problems of their own (like debt, poor mental health, or just a lack of resources).
That said, the child in that situation often doesn’t see the nuance; they just know that life feels scary and unpredictable.
When that child grows up and finally finds stability—perhaps they build a career, start a family, or cultivate a tight-knit circle of friends—the idea of letting that once-chaotic parent back in can feel terrifying.
After all, “stability” might be a newfound treasure they’re not willing to risk, especially if their parent remains inconsistent or demanding.
7. Feeling overshadowed by siblings or other relatives
If you grew up being compared to a star sibling or overshadowed by a parent’s obvious preference for your brother or sister, you know how painful that can be.
Maybe your parents seemed proud only of your sibling’s accomplishments, leaving you with the impression that you were second-tier in their eyes.
That type of favoritism can build resentment over decades.
And here’s the tricky part: as parents age, they might suddenly expect all their children to band together in support.
Yet the child who was overlooked might not feel that same solidarity. In my teaching days, I could see how competition and comparison among siblings took root. Some never outgrow the bitterness, and that bitterness can lead them to opt out of parental care later on.
8. Struggling with unmet needs for affection or acknowledgement
Finally—but perhaps most importantly—some people simply never heard the words “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” from their parents.
That emotional gap can leave a mark that no financial support or fancy gifts can fill. If a parent was more comfortable handing out punishment than hugs, it’s no wonder the grown child might not feel a strong sense of attachment or devotion in later years.
Even after all this time, many of us still want to be seen and appreciated by our parents.
When that never happens, the relationship might become too fractured to mend—even if the older parent has mellowed out. As an educator, I routinely urged parents to communicate genuine pride and love, because otherwise, children can develop a hardened heart.
And if that hardened heart carries into adulthood, stepping into the role of caregiver just may not feel possible—or even remotely fair.
Closing Thoughts
So, those are eight key childhood experiences that can lead someone to refuse caring for their aging parents.
It’s certainly not an exhaustive list, and I’m not saying anyone is automatically doomed to turn their back on their parents if they had these experiences.
People change. Parents grow and apologize; children find forgiveness. Therapy, support groups, and personal reflection can also heal emotional wounds.
But there’s no question that a painful past can create overwhelming barriers to helping a mother or father in need.
At the end of the day, each situation is unique.
Some folks might prefer to distance themselves as a form of self-preservation, while others might choose to become a caregiver as part of their personal healing journey. It’s a deeply personal decision—one I would never judge, because I know there’s a story behind every choice.
