As a child of Boomer parents, I’ve come to realize there’s a thin line between respect and control.
Respect, in its true essence, means consideration for someone else’s feelings or wishes.
Control, on the other hand, is about making decisions for others without considering their wants or needs.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: Boomer parents often confuse respect with control.
They have a set of rules they call “respect”, but in reality, they’re about asserting control.
In this article, I’ll be unpacking seven things our Boomer parents label as “respect”, but are really about gaining control:
1) “Because I said so…”
Anyone with Boomer parents has probably heard this phrase more than once.
It seems simple, but it’s a classic example of control disguised as respect.
The idea is that because they are your parents, they have the ultimate say in decisions, no matter how big or small.
This phrase leaves no room for discussion or questioning.
It’s a command, not a conversation.
The undercurrent here is that respect means unquestioning obedience to authority.
However, real respect involves communication and understanding, rather than blind compliance.
2) “Don’t talk back.”
On the surface, it might seem like a way for parents to encourage respect and good behavior.
But looking back, I see it differently.
I remember one time when I was about 12 years old and I’d been given a chore that I thought was unfair—when I tried to express my feelings and discuss the issue, I was immediately shut down with a stern “don’t talk back”.
The message was clear: Voicing my opinion was seen as disrespectful.
In reality, encouraging open communication can foster mutual respect.
Yet, “don’t talk back” shuts down any chance of dialogue, pushing the scales towards control instead.
3) “Children should be seen and not heard.”
This old adage, popular among Boomer parents, has its roots in a 15th-century English proverb.
The original saying was, “A mayde schuld be seen, but not herd”.
Over time, it became a universal rule applied to all children.
The premise is that children’s voices are not valuable or worth hearing—it implies that respect means staying silent and invisible.
However, this phrase is a tool for control as it discourages kids from expressing their thoughts and ideas, emphasizing that their place is on the sidelines.
True respect would involve valuing the voices and contributions of children, instead of silencing them.
4) “Respect your elders.”
Respecting those older than us is a good principle.
Yet, the way this phrase is often used indicates control, not respect.
When “respect your elders” is used to dismiss your thoughts or feelings, it becomes a tool for control.
It suggests that older people automatically deserve respect, regardless of their behavior or actions.
True respect isn’t about age, but about understanding and empathy.
It should be earned through actions and behavior, not automatically granted because of someone’s age.
5) “Wait until your father gets home!”
As a kid, hearing my mom utter this phrase sent a shiver down my spine.
It wasn’t just a warning; it was a deferred sentence.
The phrase itself implies that the ultimate authority rests with the father.
It’s not about teaching respect for both parents equally, but rather instilling fear of punishment.
One particular day, I remember being told this phrase after a minor argument with my sister.
The fear, anxiety, and anticipation of punishment overshadowed any lesson about respect or understanding.
In reality, this phrase serves more as a control tactic than a lesson in respect as it perpetuates the notion that respect is synonymous with fear, which is far from the truth.
6) “This is my house!”
The phrase “this is my house” is often used by Boomer parents to assert control.
It’s a clear message that they set the rules and make the decisions.
While it’s true that parents should have some authority in their own home, this phrase often goes beyond setting boundaries.
It becomes a way to assert dominance and control, rather than fostering mutual respect.
The subtext here is: “You live under my roof, so you have no say.”
However, respect is about listening and considering others’ perspectives, not disregarding them based on who owns the property.
7) “I’m doing this for your own good…”
While parents naturally want what’s best for their children, using this phrase to justify controlling behavior can be damaging.
It suggests that the parent always knows best, undermining the child’s ability to make decisions or learn from their mistakes.
True respect involves allowing children to have agency and learn from their experiences, even if it means making mistakes along the way.
It’s about guidance, not control.
Unraveling the threads
Our understanding of respect and control, especially in parent-child relationships, is deeply ingrained in us from a very young age.
These seven phrases, often used by Boomer parents, reveal how notions of respect can be subtly twisted into means of control.
As we grow older and forge our own paths, it’s essential to recognize these subtle nuances.
Authoritarian parenting styles, while seemingly rooted in respect, can actually lean heavily towards control.
It’s a matter of understanding the difference between a healthy respect for authority and an unhealthy surrender of personal autonomy.
At the end of the day, respect should be about understanding and empathy, not dominance or control.
True respect is a two-way street—it involves not just giving, but also receiving—and, most importantly, it should always leave room for open dialogue and personal growth.
As we navigate our relationships, it’s worth reflecting on these phrases and what they truly represent.
Sometimes, what’s passed off as “respect” might just be a mask for control.
