There was a time in my mid-twenties when I hopped from one short-lived relationship to another, never really giving myself a chance to pause and reflect. There was this unsettled feeling whenever I found myself single, a kind of emptiness that I tried to fill with another person’s presence. You know what I mean?
It took me a while (and a whole lot of journal entries) to recognize that this pattern wasn’t just a random quirk of my dating life. It was a sign that I was seeking validation and a sense of identity from the people I was dating rather than building it within myself.
Today, I’m sharing five behaviors that, in my experience, are strong indicators that you or someone you know might be using relationships to patch up deeper emotional voids.
Trust me, awareness is the first step to change.
Let’s dive in.
1. Rushing into relationships and idealizing partners
It’s easy to confuse genuine excitement for genuine connection. And when we’re terrified of the emptiness that surfaces during singlehood, the idea of “finally” having someone can be downright intoxicating.
I know this firsthand. Early in my dating journey, I noticed a pattern: I’d meet someone and, within days, I’d be imagining a future with them. I’d jump headfirst into plans and let my mind wander into fairy-tale territory.
We might even find ourselves ignoring basic incompatibilities just because the thought of losing that person feels unbearable. This tendency to rush is often driven by fear—fear of being alone, fear of facing our own inner issues.
Looking back, this rush only led to disappointment. Why? Because without taking the time to know the other person (and for them to know me), I built relationships on fantasy rather than reality. It was like trying to fast-forward through essential steps of building trust, mutual respect, and genuine fondness.
If you notice yourself or someone else rushing into new relationships without pausing to see if the foundation is solid, it’s worth examining what’s fueling that sprint. Is it a true connection? Or is it the anxiety of facing that lonely feeling when single?
2. Basing their identity on being someone’s partner
I’m not proud to say that there was a period in my life where my personal interests, routines, and even friendships would take a backseat the moment I got involved with someone new. Basically, I would align my entire schedule to my partner’s, pick up their hobbies, and lose track of my own.
This behavior can actually feel right at first—like you’re “all in.” But underneath it, there’s a deeper fear that without a relationship, you don’t really know who you are.
A healthy partnership usually involves two people sharing experiences while maintaining individual identities. If we consistently forget who we are outside of a relationship, it becomes nearly impossible to sustain a balanced connection.
I learned the hard way that sacrificing your own passions might keep you temporarily distracted from feelings of emptiness, but it’s only a short-term fix. Eventually, the relationship can stagnate because one person is sacrificing too much of themselves, leaving little space for genuine intimacy or personal growth.
3. Having a constant need for reassurance and clinging to any sign of connection
Clinging can come in many forms—constantly texting, needing your partner around 24/7, or panicking at the slightest hint of distance.
I’ve been guilty of all of these at different points in my life.
This often stems from the belief that we’re not worthy unless someone else is actively showing us affection or approval. It’s like we’re waiting for the other person’s reassurance to give us permission to feel good about ourselves.
I’ve talked about this before, but one resource that helped me to realize this was Rudá Iandê’s “Love and Intimacy” masterclass. I won’t detail the exercises here, but I can say this: noticing and questioning my own patterns of clinging helped me step back and see the bigger picture. Slowly, I started to nurture my own sense of completeness, which, ironically, made me more open to healthy connections.
4. Neglecting personal boundaries
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown
Looking back on past relationships, I can’t count the number of times I said “yes” to things that didn’t feel quite right. Sometimes, I’d agree to meet friends of a partner when I was exhausted, stay out too late when I had work in the morning, or pretend to share certain values just to keep the peace.
Why? Well, in my experience, when we’re worried that not pleasing our partner might mean losing them, boundaries quickly blur. We prioritize being “easygoing” or “flexible” to avoid conflict and maintain the illusion of closeness.
But let me tell you, those little compromises add up. Before long, we’re drained, resentful, or feeling used—even though we agreed to everything freely. Healthy boundaries are the backbone of any balanced relationship. They’re how we protect our well-being.
If you’re unable to establish or uphold boundaries because you fear abandonment, that’s usually a telltale sign of deeper emptiness fueling the need to keep the relationship at any cost.
Recognizing the importance of boundaries made a huge difference in my own life. I hope it can for you, too. It’s not about closing yourself off; it’s about honoring the distinct person you are—needs, desires, limits, and all.
5. Ignoring red flags and settling for less
One of the biggest red flags I ignored was a partner who constantly belittled my career choices. I’d come home upset, but somehow, I’d convince myself it wasn’t “that bad” and that at least we were still together.
Why did I brush off something that so obviously hurt me? Because the fear of being alone seemed scarier than addressing that toxic behavior.
When we feel empty without a relationship, we’re more likely to rationalize our partner’s flaws, even if they’re crossing lines that go against our core values. It’s a form of self-protection, I think—if we acknowledge the red flags, we have to face the possibility that the relationship might end.
This mindset not only leads to heartbreak but can also chip away at our self-esteem. Over time, it can reinforce the belief that we don’t deserve better, perpetuating a cycle of poor choices in partners or staying in unhealthy relationships for far too long.
In my case, I eventually realized that settling like this was a form of self-abandonment. Instead of speaking up for myself, I was silently agreeing to disrespect and dismissiveness. The day I admitted to myself that I deserved a relationship built on genuine respect and care was the day I started breaking that cycle.
Final thoughts
It’s not always easy to face the insecurities and fears that drive us to attach to someone else so quickly, but self-awareness can spark real change.
If you see yourself in one or more of these patterns, know that you’re not stuck. By practicing self-love, setting boundaries, and slowing down when you sense those anxious impulses, you can gradually break free from the idea that your worth hinges on whether you have a partner.
And trust me, when you feel at home in yourself, being single no longer feels like a void—just an open space ready for the right person to walk in.
