Retirement has given me the luxury of looking back.
I’ve had time to sift through the stories students shared in my counseling office, the memoirs my book‑club friends adore, and — perhaps most revealing of all — my own family memories.
One pattern keeps jumping out:
The phrases adults use with children often tell a bigger story about the adults themselves.
Today, I want to share seven of these common “red flag” statements with you. Maybe you heard them growing up — maybe you’ve even caught yourself using them with your own children or grandchildren.
My goal here isn’t to heap blame on anyone.
Instead, I hope these observations spark a bit of compassion for the parents who tried their best but might not have had all the emotional tools they needed.
1. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
This phrase was probably as common in the 1960s and 1970s as bell‑bottom jeans.
I remember hearing it from my own father when I was very young, and it always sent a chill up my spine.
It wasn’t until I became a counselor, and later took extended training on emotional intelligence, that I realized how harmful it can be to dismiss a child’s tears with a threat.
Parents who use this line often do so because they themselves feel uncomfortable with raw emotions. They may have grown up in environments where vulnerability was seen as weakness, or where crying was mocked or punished.
Consequently, when confronted with a weeping child, their learned response is to shut down the emotion as quickly as possible. Some parents even believe they’re toughening up the child for a hard world — much like a misguided drill sergeant.
Unfortunately, the child hears a different message: “My feelings are invalid” and “If I show vulnerability, I will be punished.”
Over time, this can lead to emotional suppression and difficulty forming close relationships.
So if you heard this line, remember it wasn’t necessarily that your mom or dad wanted to harm you. They might have been battling their sense of helplessness in the face of strong emotions.
For them, tears were a reminder of their own pain — pain they weren’t ready to confront.
2. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
Many of us grew up with authoritarian parenting styles.
Back then, parents often believed they had to assert their authority without question.
“Because I said so” was the go‑to phrase whenever we questioned the reasoning behind a rule or request.
While boundaries and structure are essential in raising children, this line can also hint at a parent’s internal fears. Sometimes, behind those four words lies an anxiety about losing control.
The parent might worry that if they give too many explanations or engage in too much back‑and‑forth debate, they’ll appear weak or be overwhelmed by a child’s protests.
In other cases, it may reflect how the parent themselves was raised — children were expected to be “seen and not heard,” and so they pass down the same norm without deeper reflection.
The result?
Kids learn to associate authority with intimidation and might not feel comfortable voicing their thoughts or questions. This can inhibit critical thinking and self‑confidence as they grow older.
They may also carry internalized anger or confusion about “unfair” rules, leading to rebellion later in life.
When I hear adults recall their parents snapping, “Because I said so!” they often describe a sense of resignation or frustration that stuck with them.
If that was your experience, it could mean your parent was grappling with their insecurities about how to be a good authority figure — and maybe lacked the tools to balance discipline with open dialogue.
3. “I’m doing this for your own good.”
I’ve lost count of how many times my teenage students would roll their eyes and say, “My mom said she’s doing it for my own good—but it really just feels like she doesn’t trust me.”
Of course, sometimes parents genuinely are taking steps that benefit their child in the long run. But other times, this statement can mask deeper issues.
Picture a parent who came from a tumultuous childhood — maybe one marked by financial instability, or an unpredictable environment where they never felt safe.
That parent might become overprotective to the point of stifling their child’s exploration, autonomy, and growth.
They might say, “I’m doing this for your own good,” but what’s really fueling their actions is fear — fear that the child will face the same hardships or heartbreak they once did.
In many cases, the parent’s attempt to protect the child can rob them of important learning experiences.
I recall one student who wasn’t allowed to attend any after‑school activities because his mother was convinced something dangerous would happen if she wasn’t present.
While her intentions were rooted in genuine concern, the boy ended up feeling socially isolated and fearful of stepping out of his comfort zone—even in low‑risk situations.
A 2024 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that overprotective parenting (often justified with the phrase “it’s for your own good”) leads to increased anxiety and lower self‑efficacy in young adults.
So if you often heard this as a child, it might indicate your parent was struggling to manage their own anxieties about an unpredictable world.
4. “Don’t air our dirty laundry.”
Ah, the old “Don’t talk about our problems outside this house” mantra.
I certainly grew up with it in the background, and from my counseling work, I’ve learned it can be a hallmark of families that value appearance over authenticity. But let’s dig a little deeper.
When parents insist on secrecy — especially around issues like conflict, mental health struggles, or financial hardships — it can be a sign they’re experiencing shame.
Shame researcher Brené Brown, who has extensively studied vulnerability, reminds us that “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
Parents who feel deeply ashamed about their situation might worry that if they talk about it (or let their kids talk about it), they’ll expose a core sense of unworthiness.
This code of silence can be especially harmful for children if it prevents them from seeking help or sharing burdens with a trusted friend, teacher, or counselor.
If something truly problematic is happening at home — like neglect, abuse, or addiction — strict rules against “airing dirty laundry” can keep kids trapped in unsafe or damaging environments.
Again, it’s not necessarily that parents want to harm their children. They may just lack the emotional resilience to handle confrontation.
5. “Can’t you do anything right?”
This phrase is the epitome of criticism. Whenever a child hears it, they receive a harsh message:
“You are incompetent or perpetually failing.”
As a young teacher, I remember a ninth‑grader who never turned in his homework.
When I asked him why, he shrugged and said, “I figured I’d get it all wrong anyway. My dad always says I can’t do anything right.”
It broke my heart.
Parents who frequently resort to this line may be struggling with their own perfectionism or sense of inadequacy. Perhaps they’ve never felt successful themselves and project that frustration onto their child.
It becomes a way to vent self‑loathing or bitterness about unfulfilled dreams.
In some cases, it might reflect an intergenerational pattern — maybe they heard the same phrase from their parents, never learned a healthier communication style, and are now passing it along.
6. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
For many parents, this line is an easy escape hatch when confronted with questions about complex adult issues — money worries, relationship tension, or emotional burdens.
But “You’ll understand when you’re older” can also signal that the parent themselves is overwhelmed and doesn’t possess the emotional language to explain what’s really going on.
In some instances, this phrase reflects an attempt to protect a child’s innocence. However, it can also become a pattern where they avoid real communication and leave the child in a state of confusion or anxiety.
I recall one student who sensed her parents were having marital problems, but whenever she asked about it, she’d get, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
She told me it made her feel like she was living on shaky ground, with no clarity about what was actually happening at home. The parents probably thought they were shielding her, but in reality, they were heightening her stress by not acknowledging it.
When a parent is struggling — whether financially, emotionally, or in their relationship — they might not have the bandwidth to figure out a child‑friendly explanation.
This is particularly common if they come from a background where “adult problems” were firmly out of sight.
7. “Why can’t you be more like (someone else)?”
I see it happen in families all the time:
One child is singled out for doing well in school, sports, or extracurriculars, and the other child is compared unfavorably.
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Look at your cousin—he’s always so polite.”
These comparisons can sting and leave lasting scars. In fact, psychologists call it “sibling comparison,” and it’s a top predictor of sibling rivalry and resentment.
Parents who indulge in such comparisons may be wrestling with their own insecurities about status or achievement. They might measure their success as a parent by how accomplished their children appear to the outside world.
Or they might come from a family culture that prided itself on competition and “one‑upping.”
If you recall being compared to a sibling or friend regularly, there’s a good chance your parent was sorting through their own need for external validation.
They might not have meant to pit you against anyone, but it’s a sign they needed reassurance that they were raising the “right” kind of child, especially if they felt they never measured up in their own youth.
A final thought
All of us carry some echoes of our childhood in the way we behave today — especially if we’re now the ones in caregiving roles.
But we need to remember one thing:
None of us chooses the emotional baggage our parents hand down to us. Still, as adults, we can choose how to handle it. We can decide to set it down, reorganize it, or transform it into empathy for ourselves and others.
So let me leave you with a question:
Which of these seven phrases resonates most with your experience, and how do you think it has shaped you into the person you are today?
Feel free to share your reflections in the comments below. And remember, it’s never too late to start healing old wounds, improving our communication, and showing the next generation that there is a healthier way forward.
