Most of us have had our share of relationship ups and downs.
However, I’ve noticed a pattern in some of my clients—and maybe you’ve seen this in yourself or others, too—where it feels like every new relationship somehow ends up with the same old toxic storyline.
It’s not just bad luck. In my experience as a relationship counselor, I’ve found that there are certain habits or behaviors that practically magnetize unhealthy or incompatible individuals.
If you’ve ever wondered why you keep “picking wrong,” let’s explore seven common behaviors that could be drawing these connections into your life.
1. Overlooking red flags right from the start
Have you ever met someone and felt a little uneasy about how quickly they tried to get serious, or noticed they made a rude joke about their ex, and yet you ignored it?
One subtle sign that often leads to unhealthy relationship patterns is the tendency to shrug off your instincts and brush obvious warning signals under the rug.
In my early days of counseling, I came across numerous stories of people saying, “I knew something was off, but I didn’t trust my gut.”
As noted by Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in couple dynamics, recognizing the difference between normal relationship hiccups and genuine red flags can save you a lot of heartache in the long run.
If you find yourself constantly rationalizing questionable behaviors (“Oh, maybe they’re just having a bad day”), you might be training your mind to accept conduct that shouldn’t be acceptable.
This can create a repeating loop of chasing after partners who are never quite right for you.
Overlooking red flags can stem from being too focused on the “potential” you see in someone, rather than what’s actually in front of you.
When this becomes a habit, it sends a signal that you’re willing to compromise your emotional well-being for the sake of having a relationship.
That approach rarely ends well.
Recognize when your alarm bells start ringing, and give yourself permission to pause and evaluate whether the relationship aligns with what you genuinely want.
2. Settling for crumbs instead of the whole loaf
“Better a small piece than nothing at all,” right?
Not necessarily.
One of the most common reasons people find themselves in dysfunctional relationships is because they’re willing to accept the bare minimum—maybe a text once a week, minimal emotional support, or lukewarm commitment—just so they’re not alone.
Sometimes, this comes from deeply rooted issues like low self-esteem or a fear of rejection.
According to studies, people who have a heightened fear of being single often lower their standards, accepting partners who don’t meet basic needs for emotional security or respect.
There’s a difference between being flexible and completely giving up on your core values.
Settling often looks like excusing bad behavior with statements like, “Well, no one’s perfect,” or “At least they’re better than my last partner.”
This kind of thinking can trap you in repeated cycles with individuals who aren’t willing or able to give you a healthy relationship.
You deserve more than crumbs—you deserve a full, nourishing partnership.
3. Seeking validation at any cost
I can’t count how many times a client has sat in my office, tears in their eyes, and confessed that they desperately cling to anyone who pays them a sliver of attention.
They text every day, check in constantly, and feel anxious if they don’t receive immediate replies.
This behavior can come off as needy or even clingy, driving away any partner who might have been halfway decent.
Now, I want to clarify that craving connection is normal. We’re wired to form attachments.
But when your self-worth depends on hearing “I love you” or “You’re amazing” from someone else, you risk becoming dependent on external approval.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve into how codependency can make you latch onto a relationship—even a toxic one—because you believe it’s better than not being loved at all.
Healthy relationships require two self-assured individuals who can stand on their own feet while also supporting each other.
If you’re constantly seeking praise or reassurance from a partner, you might unintentionally invite individuals who exploit that vulnerability or can’t reciprocate genuine emotional investment.
4. Confusing drama with passion
Looking back, this one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. Anyway…some folks mistake constant ups and downs, dramatic arguments, and intense jealousy for “spark” or “passion.”
They think that if it doesn’t burn hot, it’s not real love. But high drama can indicate an unhealthy dynamic.
As noted by the team at Psych Central, consistent emotional turbulence is often a sign of underlying issues like insecurity, manipulation, or fear of intimacy.
If you thrive on the adrenaline of making up after a big blowout, it could mean you’re seeking emotional highs to fill a void.
This becomes a kind of addiction, where calm and secure relationships feel “boring” by comparison.
Over time, that drama can exhaust you. It’s like being stuck on a roller coaster you never asked to ride.
Worse still, people who perpetuate these cycles tend to attract partners who are equally addicted to the chaos, leading to a series of unfulfilling relationships.
Real passion often develops through emotional intimacy, respect, and mutual growth—not through volatility.
5. Poor boundary setting
Having weak or non-existent boundaries is a direct route to recurring relationship disappointment.
Without boundaries, you allow people to treat you however they see fit, leaving no guidelines for what is or isn’t acceptable in your personal space.
I recall working with a client who let her partner have full access to her bank account before they’d even reached a stage of genuine trust.
Unsurprisingly, that ended in financial trouble and heartbreak.
This is backed by experts like Dr. Henry Cloud, who has noted that setting clear boundaries is an essential ingredient in any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise.
If you find yourself uncomfortable or resentful but keep quiet to avoid conflict, that’s a classic sign your boundaries might need reinforcing.
It’s not about building a wall around yourself; it’s about creating a respectful framework for interactions.
The best relationships involve two people who can say “no” or “that doesn’t work for me” without fearing the other person will vanish.
6. Believing you can “fix” people
Have you ever spotted someone who’s drowning in personal problems—maybe they’re unemployed, have a history of cheating, or don’t respect boundaries—and thought, “But they just need love and patience. I can help them see the light”?
While it’s compassionate to want to support someone, stepping into a savior role often leads to heartache.
People who believe they can “fix” their partners attract those who are not ready to be fixed.
It sets up a power imbalance in the relationship, too—one person becomes the rescuer, and the other becomes the project.
And that’s never going to be a healthy dynamic.
You see, you can only truly change yourself. If your partner is determined to stay stuck in their own destructive patterns, no amount of coaxing or compassion will magically flip a switch for them.
Remember: supporting someone who wants help is different from trying to force transformation on someone who isn’t interested.
Genuine, long-lasting change usually comes from within, not from external pressure.
7. Avoiding accountability for your own dating patterns
I’ve saved a big one for last, friends. Have you noticed that some individuals constantly blame their exes or chalk everything up to “terrible luck” in dating without ever stopping to see if they might be the common denominator?
It’s much easier to point fingers outward than to reflect on your own actions.
This kind of dodge can keep you stuck in the same cycle—meeting the same type of partner, experiencing the same heartbreak, and then asking, “Why does this always happen to me?”
In my practice, I’ve found that the moment a client acknowledges their own role in picking or tolerating the wrong matches, it marks the beginning of a positive shift.
It’s like a lightbulb goes off: “Oh, maybe there’s something I’m doing (or not doing) that’s contributing to this.”
Taking accountability doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong.
Instead, it’s about recognizing patterns in your behavior—like ignoring red flags, settling for less, or not setting boundaries.
Once you see those patterns clearly, you can start to break them. It’s quite liberating, actually, because it gives you a sense of control over your future dating experiences.
Final thoughts
If any of these behaviors feel a bit too familiar, I promise you’re not alone.
I’ve seen countless individuals realize they’ve been stuck in a loop of self-sabotage—constantly attracting the wrong partners and then wondering why dating is so painful.
The good news? Awareness is the first big leap toward change.
You don’t need to transform your entire life overnight. Start by taking small, concrete steps: listen to your gut, set one new boundary, or even pause dating for a while to focus on strengthening your sense of self.
If you’re struggling with deeply ingrained patterns like codependency, you might find resources or expert advice beneficial. (Of course, if you’d like a more in-depth look into codependency, you’re welcome to check out my book, Breaking The Attachment.)
With time, effort, and the right mindset, you can shift away from patterns that keep leading you down the wrong path.
After all, healthy partnerships aren’t just about finding the right person; they’re also about becoming the right person for yourself first.
