It’s never easy to realize you don’t have anyone to call when life gets bumpy. Plenty of people experience fleeting moments of loneliness, but for some, that feeling lingers.
And as much as we might want to brush it off as just “bad luck” or “not meeting the right people,” psychology often tells a deeper story about why certain folks struggle to form meaningful connections.
Here at DM News, we’re all about personal growth. So if you see yourself (or someone you know) in the descriptions below, consider them a gentle nudge to explore your own behaviors and see what can be changed.
After all, we’re social creatures at heart, and having even a few close friends can make a world of difference.
1. Negative self-talk and a self-defeating mindset
I have a confession: back in my early twenties, I was my own biggest critic.
My inner voice was relentless, telling me I wasn’t smart enough, interesting enough, or successful enough to befriend certain people.
That negativity seeped into my daily conversations and often emerged as either constant self-deprecation or a rigid reluctance to open up.
When our self-talk is overwhelmingly negative, it sends a quiet signal to others that we’re not comfortable or confident in our own skin. And in social settings, that can be a barrier.
A study suggests that people who are very self-critical often have a harder time forming close relationships, and their friends or partners may not feel as emotionally connected to them.
Even when there is some closeness, it doesn’t always lead to the same level of emotional satisfaction—especially the kind that comes from feeling truly connected to someone.
This might help explain why highly self-critical people tend to receive less support from others: the people around them may also feel like something is missing in the relationship.
2. Fear of vulnerability and emotional intimacy
We all have fears, but one of the biggest reasons people struggle to forge real connections is an intense worry about letting others see their true selves.
I used to joke that I was an “emotional turtle”—whenever something felt too personal or raw, I’d duck right back into my shell.
But the truth is, meaningful friendships require some level of vulnerability.
As Brené Brown has noted, vulnerability fosters trust, connection, and intimacy. And it’s true that close bonds often deepen when we show our insecurities or share our real emotions.
Of course, letting people in can be scary. We worry about judgment, abandonment, or betrayal. But if we remain constantly guarded—never allowing others to see our fears, failures, or quirks—we also miss the chance to build authentic relationships.
Sometimes that fear of vulnerability comes from past experiences. Maybe someone betrayed your trust or made fun of your insecurities, and you swore to never let that happen again.
But in turning your back on vulnerability, you may also be turning away from those who genuinely want to get to know you.
3. Perfectionism that keeps others at arm’s length
I once had a neighbor who never invited anyone into her flat because she worried it wasn’t spotless enough. She was a lovely person, but her standards for what counted as “acceptable” kept her from letting people see her normal, messy side.
Over time, that perfectionism bled into her relationships—she’d ditch social plans if her hair wasn’t styled just right or if she felt even slightly unprepared for a conversation.
Extreme perfectionism can be surprisingly lonely. You’re so focused on curating the “perfect” image that you never let anyone see the imperfect—but very real—human underneath.
According to research by Dr. Gordon Flett and Dr. Paul Hewitt, perfectionistic tendencies are linked with feelings of loneliness and social disconnection.
The higher your standards for yourself and the fear of not meeting them, the more likely you are to avoid situations where those standards might be challenged.
People often connect more over shared imperfections than glossy exteriors. We warm to someone who’s willing to laugh at their baking disaster or who admits they’re terrible at directions.
By contrast, someone who appears too polished, too put-together, can inadvertently create emotional distance.
4. Habitual defensiveness and lack of trust
While fear of vulnerability keeps you from sharing your own emotions, defensiveness is about how you react to other people’s attempts to connect.
A defensive stance might mean you take innocent comments personally or assume that new acquaintances will inevitably hurt you.
As a result, you put up walls—or worse, lash out at others before they can “get” you.
Trust issues often stem from deep emotional wounds. After my divorce, I found myself battling a lingering sense of mistrust, worried I’d be let down or betrayed again.
It took time (and therapy) for me to see that not everyone was out to hurt me. But for a while, my defensiveness was a huge obstacle to forming new friendships.
This is backed by the team at Psychology Today, who notes that defensiveness “prevents the building of trust, understanding, and empathy in relationships.”
If you never give someone the chance to show they can be trusted—because you’re on the defense from day one—genuine closeness is unlikely to blossom.
5. Extreme self-reliance that stifles connection
We love the idea of independence. But there’s a point where self-reliance morphs into isolation.
For instance, after I became a single mom, I prided myself on being able to “do it all.” I handled the school run, the bills, the housework, and my writing deadlines on my own. I thought relying on others was a sign of weakness.
Over time, though, I started noticing that friends—old and new—felt like I was shutting them out.
People bond over helping each other, whether it’s giving a ride, offering emotional support, or even just babysitting for an hour.
By never letting anyone step in, I was denying them the opportunity to be part of my life in a meaningful way.
Psychologically speaking, extreme self-reliance can be linked to a fear of being let down. If you never ask for help, no one can fail you, right?
But that also means no one can come through for you in those little ways that strengthen a bond. Allowing people to pitch in or give advice is a form of vulnerability—it signals trust.
6. Relentless social avoidance
Not everyone who lacks close friends is antisocial, but some folks genuinely avoid most gatherings and activities that could lead to deeper connections.
Sometimes it’s due to social anxiety, sometimes it’s a simple preference for solitude, and other times it’s a habit formed by repeated negative experiences in group settings.
As Dr. John Cacioppo’s research on loneliness has shown, the more we isolate ourselves, the harder it becomes to break the cycle.”
It’s a bit like being stuck in quicksand—the more you stay away from social situations, the less practice you get interacting with people, which can increase anxiety when you do venture out.
For those who prefer minimal social interaction, there’s nothing wrong with cherishing your alone time. But even introverts typically have a few close friends.
When you consistently dodge every invitation—to dinner, to a weekend trip, to a casual catch-up—you limit opportunities for organic bonding.
The result? People might assume you’re not interested and eventually stop asking.
7. Overly critical attitude toward others
Last but definitely not least, there’s the person who scrutinizes everyone around them: “He’s too loud. She’s too clingy. They’re not my style.”
While having standards is fine, perpetually nitpicking other people’s flaws can deter genuine friendship.
I once knew a colleague who had a running commentary on everything—people’s clothes, their opinions, even their laugh.
She insisted she was just being honest, but the result was that her acquaintances (myself included) walked on eggshells around her, worried we’d be the next target.
It’s exhausting to be around someone who’s hyper-critical, and many will gradually drift away rather than risk the constant negativity.
What’s tricky is that an overly critical approach often masks deeper insecurities. By focusing on everyone else’s shortcomings, you never have to address your own.
Unfortunately, that tunnel vision can rob you of the chance to appreciate people for who they are, flaws included.
If you’re always looking for reasons someone isn’t good enough, you’ll miss the ways they might enrich your life.
Wrapping up
These traits—while potentially harmful to genuine connection—aren’t set in stone.
People can change, sometimes on their own and sometimes with professional guidance. I’ve seen it happen in my own life, and I’ve watched friends transform self-defeating beliefs into newfound confidence.
It takes time and a willingness to self-reflect, but the results can be truly life-changing.
If you’ve recognized any of these tendencies in yourself, consider taking small steps toward change. That might mean actively challenging negative self-talk, letting someone help you with a minor task, or scheduling that coffee date you keep postponing.
The point is to open the door—just a crack—to let deeper connections take root.
While you don’t have to reinvent your entire personality, a little insight into why you might be struggling to form close bonds can go a long way.
And who knows? That new perspective could be the catalyst that helps you not just gain friends, but nurture truly meaningful connections.
