It’s one thing to make an incorrect assumption about someone. It’s another to insist you’re right, even when the person tells you otherwise.
A 21-year-old woman on Reddit shared her frustration after her friends not only assumed she was a lesbian based on her appearance but also refused to believe her when she said she wasn’t.
In her post, she explained how a casual dinner turned into what felt like a “gay intervention” as her friends lectured her about being in denial.
Forced into an identity that wasn’t hers
The woman explained that she was out for dinner with five friends—four women and one man—when the situation escalated.
She described herself as having a masculine appearance, with short hair, a deep voice, and a preference for men’s fashion.
Because of this, she sometimes gets mistaken for a man by strangers, but unless it’s someone she’ll interact with regularly, she typically doesn’t bother correcting them.
That night at the restaurant, the waiter mistakenly addressed her as a man. Instead of simply correcting him, one of her friends responded, “Oh, she’s not a man, she’s just a lesbian.”
The table erupted in laughter, but the woman didn’t find it funny. When she asked why her friend had said that, she was met with eye rolls and dismissive comments. “Oh, c’mon, we all know you’re a lesbian,” one friend told her.
She was stunned. She had never said or implied that she was a lesbian—because she wasn’t. While she had never dated anyone before, they had all discussed male celebrities they found attractive. As far as she was concerned, her straight orientation had been clear.
But instead of listening to her, her friends doubled down.
They began making jokes about her “dressing like a lesbian” and being in a “glass closet.” At first, it seemed like lighthearted teasing, but as they continued pressing the issue, their tone shifted.
They started telling her she was “in denial,” had “internalized homophobia,” and needed to embrace self-acceptance.
“It was like some sort of gay intervention,” she wrote.
The breaking point came when one friend suggested that she had been secretly in love with another woman named Ines—an old friend she had fallen out with months earlier.
The woman was visibly shocked by the accusation. But instead of apologizing or backing off, her friends reassured her that “it’s okay” and that they wouldn’t judge her if she was gay.
At this point, she had enough. She told them firmly that they were being terrible friends, that this wasn’t funny, and that they were completely disregarding what she was telling them about her own identity.
Feeling frustrated and humiliated, she yelled at them before walking out of the restaurant.
The next morning, regret started to set in. She wondered if she had overreacted by storming out and turning the dinner into an even bigger scene. Unsure of what to do next, she turned to Reddit for advice—was she wrong for how she handled it?
The overwhelming response from commenters? Absolutely not.
“It was very AH-ish [asshole-ish] for them to refuse to accept what you were telling them just because it didn’t match their preconceived notions,” one person wrote.
Another pointed out the hypocrisy of their argument: “It’s also f***ing wild to lecture OP about heteronormativity when they’re assuming their sexuality based on looks.”
Other users shared similar experiences of people making assumptions about their sexuality based on their appearance alone. “I have had multiple people tell me I must be a lesbian because I owned two flannel shirts in middle school,” one commenter shared.
The general consensus was clear: forcing an identity onto someone—no matter how sure you think you are—is never okay.
Making assumptions about someone can be harmful
One of the biggest issues at play in this situation is the way the woman’s friends completely disregarded her own understanding of her identity. Instead of taking her at her word, they insisted they knew better—something many commenters pointed out was both insulting and dismissive.
There’s a significant difference between supporting someone in their journey of self-discovery and outright telling them who they are.
While coming to terms with one’s sexuality can be a complicated process for some, it’s not something that should be decided by outside opinions. Assuming someone’s identity based on their appearance alone reinforces outdated stereotypes and strips them of their own agency.
Ironically, while the friends accused her of “internalized homophobia” and “compulsory heterosexuality,” they were the ones reducing queerness to a fashion choice.
“It’s also pretty insulting to actual lesbians to minimize their identity by assuming it’s nothing more than a style preference,” one Redditor pointed out.
This also raises another important question: Why did her friends feel so entitled to define her sexuality for her? Even if she were questioning, it would be up to her—not them—to decide when and how she wanted to explore that part of herself.
Ultimately, what should have been a fun dinner with friends turned into an uncomfortable and humiliating experience. Instead of being uplifted by people she trusted, she was pressured to accept an identity that wasn’t hers. And rather than listening to how she felt, her friends dismissed her emotions entirely.
As many Redditors pointed out, true support doesn’t come from forcing labels onto people—it comes from respecting them enough to let them define themselves.
Respect means listening, not assuming
At the core of this situation is a fundamental issue of respect—something the woman’s friends failed to show her. True respect isn’t about pushing someone toward an identity you think fits them; it’s about listening to what they tell you and accepting them for who they are, without conditions.
It’s understandable that people want to support their friends, especially in matters of identity and self-acceptance. But there’s a fine line between encouragement and imposition.
When support turns into pressure, it stops being helpful and starts becoming harmful. No one should have to defend or justify their identity to their own friends.
This Reddit thread also highlights a broader issue—how quick people can be to assume things about others based on surface-level traits. Clothing choices, hairstyles, and mannerisms do not define a person’s sexuality. Reducing someone’s identity to external stereotypes is not only inaccurate but also deeply unfair.
At the end of the day, real allyship means standing by people and respecting their words—even when they don’t fit into your assumptions. If her friends truly cared about her, they would have listened instead of laughed.
Perhaps the real question here is whether these are the kind of friends worth keeping.
