I’ve noticed a fascinating shift in how certain manners or niceties are interpreted across generations. What was once seen as common courtesy sometimes comes across as passive-aggressive these days—at least to younger folks.
It might be something as seemingly harmless as leaving a voicemail instead of texting, or prefacing every request with “if you’re not too busy.” That might sound polite, but there’s an unspoken subtext that can make things awkward.
Here at DM News, we’re all about exploring the psychology behind everyday communication. So let’s dive into six specific examples of well-intentioned gestures that might rub Millennials and Gen Z the wrong way.
1. The “unannounced drop-in”
Boomers often grew up in tight-knit communities where popping by unannounced was a sweet surprise. They saw it as a friendly gesture—maybe they’d bring over some cookies or help with a household project. The idea was, “I’m thinking of you, and I’m here to say hi.”
But these days, a random knock on the door can feel intrusive. Many younger people prefer a quick text: “Is this a good time?” They’d rather have a heads-up, so they can prepare themselves mentally (or tidy up their space).
If someone appears out of nowhere, it’s sometimes interpreted as: “You didn’t consider my schedule,” or “You assume I’m always available.”
I have a friend who once got caught in his pajamas holding a giant bowl of cereal at 11 a.m. when an older relative swung by unexpectedly. He was mortified.
And even though there was no ill intent, he told me later that he felt cornered into hosting on the spot. It’s a small example, but it highlights a bigger cultural shift: we like to set boundaries around our time.
2. “Blessed” or “hon” as subtle snark
Expressions like “bless your heart,” “hon,” or “sweetie” can be absolutely well-meant. In certain regions, they’re standard terms of endearment. I’ve traveled through parts of the South where calling people “darling” or “love” is customary. But in some contexts, these pet names sound condescending.
A younger coworker might think: “I’m not your hon. We’re at work and this is a professional setting.” Or “bless your heart” can come across as, “You poor thing, you just don’t know any better.” I heard someone once refer to it as “the passive-aggressive southern handshake.”
Of course, not everyone who uses these terms means to be snarky. Still, younger generations are more sensitive to subtle power dynamics in conversations.
Sometimes those generational expressions sound like forced politeness or even disguised condescension. And if the speaker is older, the receiver might feel like they’re being treated as a child.
3. Over-formal email sign-offs
Have you ever gotten an email that ends with something like: “Warmest regards to you and yours,” or “Kindest personal greetings—hope you’re well”? It might seem perfectly polite, right? Boomers, having spent decades in offices before the digital boom, often learned that formality equates to respect.
But younger folks sometimes feel like these lines are filler, or even a way to keep things distant rather than genuine. Texting or casual Slack messages have made conversation more direct. Many of us just type “Thanks!” or “Talk soon!” to wrap up an email.
So when someone invests in multiple flowery phrases, it can feel performative or, worse, slightly guilt-inducing: “If I don’t respond in equally flowery language, am I being rude?”
I’ve mentioned this before but in my days working in digital marketing, I noticed how the length of an email sign-off can change the vibe drastically. “Sincerely yours,” can be read as cold if the rest of the message is short.
On the flip side, a younger colleague might prefer a quick “Cheers!”—which, ironically, might come across as too casual to an older manager. The mismatch can breed confusion and tension on both sides, even if everyone’s trying to be polite.
As Seth Godin has noted, “Communication is the transfer of emotion.” Formalities that come across as forced can give off the emotion of aloofness rather than warmth.
4. “You should smile more”
I’ve had older relatives who believed that telling someone to smile is an encouraging nudge toward positivity. They see it as a compliment: “You have a lovely face, show it off with a smile!”
But many people in my generation and younger interpret this as patronizing or controlling—especially if it’s directed at women. It suggests there’s an expectation about how you should look or feel at any given moment.
Dale Carnegie wrote in “How to Win Friends and Influence People” that a smile is a powerful tool of connection. But forcing a smile on command isn’t exactly genuine—it can feel more like an order than an invitation.
I remember once being told this at a family gathering. The older person meant well, but the subtext I heard was: “Your neutral expression is unacceptable, so do something about it.”
We can’t control other people’s faces. And younger generations are more vocal about their right to decide how they present themselves. So a seemingly polite suggestion can come off as a passive-aggressive commentary on someone’s mood or appearance.
5. “Just wanted to check in about…”
We’ve all encountered that text or email that seems polite on the surface: “Just wanted to check in about the tasks we discussed,” or “Just circling back on the project.” Boomers often see this as considerate.
They’re trying not to be pushy; they’re giving you space. They might genuinely want to see if you need support or if you’re still on track.
But younger people sometimes read that as a subtle “I’m nagging you.” The word “just” can sound like an apology for bringing something up, but also a mild threat: “I’m not yelling at you, but I will keep pestering you.” It’s a tricky line between polite follow-up and passive-aggressive nudge.
I’ve spoken to coworkers who find these “just checking in” messages more stressful than direct requests: “Hey, how’s the project going? Do you need anything?” They’d rather have a straightforward approach.
Ironically, the politeness is what makes it feel as if there’s a hidden subtext. Gary Vaynerchuk once said, “Clarity is kindness.” And if we apply that to our requests, maybe we can drop the filler words and get straight to the point.
6. Ellipses and “periods” in text messages
Finally, let’s talk about punctuation. Yes, punctuation can come across as passive-aggressive. Many Boomers learned to write letters and formal documents long before texting was a thing.
So they might end every message with a period—no big deal, that’s how sentences work. But younger recipients sometimes interpret that final period as abrupt or cold.
To add to the confusion, some older folks love to use ellipses in texts. “Hi… how are you?” or “Call me when you can…” Younger people might think: “Why the dots? Is something wrong? Are you mad?” It’s such a small detail, but it changes the entire tone.
I once had a coworker who got anxious whenever she saw an ellipsis in our group chat. She’d say, “It looks like they’re trailing off or disappointed.” Meanwhile, the sender just thought it was casual.
There’s even been a study from Binghamton University showing that texts ending in a period are perceived as less sincere than those without punctuation.
Language evolves, and punctuation can come across very differently in digital form. So while Boomers are trying to be grammatically correct, younger folks sometimes read deeper meaning into each symbol.
Putting it all together
We’re in a unique time, bridging old-school manners with modern communication styles. Many of us grew up seeing certain gestures as polite—yet we also see how they can be misread as passive-aggressive.
It’s rarely about pointing fingers. Most people want to be considerate, and what “considerate” looks like depends on the lens we’re using.
So if you’re someone who wants to maintain positive relationships across multiple generations, start by noticing these subtle differences. Ask yourself: “Am I truly being clear?” “Is this phrase or gesture going to invite closeness, or could it accidentally push someone away?”
As a fan of exploring psychology and decision-making, I believe that the more we understand each other’s contexts, the better we communicate. At the end of the day, small tweaks—like sending a text before dropping by, using friendly and concise language, or skipping loaded phrases—can prevent unnecessary friction.
And that’s the heart of the matter: bridging generational gaps often means seeing politeness not just through one cultural or generational lens but adapting to the changing expectations of the world around us. After all, kindness is universal, but the way we show it can shift over time.
Thanks for reading, and I hope these observations shed light on how we can all be a bit more intentional with our well-meaning words and gestures.
There’s no better place to explore this kind of human behavior than here at DM News, where we’re always committed to bringing you fresh insights on how to connect, grow, and thrive—across generations and beyond.
