Sometimes, a girl grows up in an environment where genuine self-love or self-worth isn’t modeled or nurtured, and as an adult, she finds herself struggling in ways she can’t always explain.
Over the years, I’ve met incredible women—friends, co-workers, coaching clients—who only discovered much later in life that they were missing an internal sense of being “enough.”
And it’s not that these women aren’t brilliant, talented, or strong (they absolutely are).
It’s just that when no one teaches you to love yourself, you often develop certain behaviors to cope, protect yourself, or reach for the validation you never received.
From my perspective, recognizing these behaviors is the first step to healing—and moving toward a more empowered, self-loving way of being.
So today, I want to talk specifically about nine common behaviors that can emerge when a woman never learned self-love in her formative years.
Let’s dive in:
1. They constantly put others first and feel guilty saying “no”
Do you ever catch yourself juggling a million tasks—your own plus everyone else’s—until you’re exhausted?
Women who grew up without a solid sense of self-worth often believe other people’s needs are more important than their own.
When you’ve been conditioned to think your value lies in pleasing others, it can feel almost impossible to say “no,” even when you’re stretched too thin.
I used to struggle with this a lot. There was a phase in my life when I found it easier to give in than to stand up for my boundaries.
Deep down, I was afraid that if I refused someone, they’d be upset, and that would somehow confirm I wasn’t lovable. Over time, I realized that always saying “yes” left me drained and resentful.
2. They downplay their own achievements
Another telltale sign?
Shrinking away from compliments.
Women who never learned to celebrate themselves might respond to praise with statements like, “Oh, it was nothing” or “I just got lucky.”
It’s not that they don’t crave recognition; it’s that they honestly don’t believe they deserve it.
I can recall giving a presentation years ago, where I spent hours preparing slides, practicing talking points, and perfecting my delivery.
When a colleague congratulated me afterward, I quickly brushed it off. In reality, I was terrified of sounding arrogant—because as a child, I’d learned not to make a fuss about my accomplishments. I’d never practiced the skill of taking a compliment with confidence and gratitude.
When you dismiss your wins, you’re training yourself—and everyone else—to believe those achievements don’t matter.
Instead, try graciously accepting compliments and acknowledging the work you put in. You deserve to celebrate every milestone.
3. They rely heavily on external validation
When your self-esteem isn’t nurtured growing up, you might look to other people to tell you you’re worthy.
That can mean fishing for compliments, obsessing over social media likes, or feeling uneasy if someone doesn’t respond to your text right away.
It’s a constant search for proof that you’re enough, because you never learned how to feel that intrinsically.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting reassurance once in a while—everyone does.
But if you can’t make decisions without someone else’s approval, that’s a sign your internal confidence might be lacking.
Psychologists often refer to this as “contingent self-esteem.” Your sense of worth depends on external factors—like whether your boss praised your latest project or how quickly your friend texted back.
Breaking free from this cycle involves validating yourself internally. Celebrate your successes on your own. Practice trusting your choices. The more you do so, the more stable your self-worth becomes.
4. They engage in negative self-talk
Have you ever noticed a little voice in your head saying, “You’re not good enough,” “You’re not smart enough,” or “You should just give up”?
For some of us, that voice can become an everyday companion—one that chips away at our confidence and holds us back from trying new things.
If you grew up in a household that was overly critical or rarely offered encouragement, you might have taken on that role for yourself.
You learned to criticize before anyone else could.
One way to tackle negative self-talk is through mindfulness and journaling.
I’ve personally found it helpful to write down my thoughts, then actively question them. “Is that really true, or am I being too harsh on myself?” Over time, you can retrain your inner dialogue to be more supportive.
5. They avoid confrontation and bottle up emotions
Confrontation can be uncomfortable for anyone, but for women who never had a safe space to express themselves, it can be downright scary.
It’s common to worry that standing up for yourself will drive people away or lead to rejection.
You might decide it’s “safer” to keep quiet, no matter how you’re really feeling.
I once had a boss who gave me constant criticism without offering any constructive feedback.
Rather than voicing my concerns or asking for clarity, I kept my frustration to myself—because in my mind, speaking up might risk my job.
Unfortunately, that meant the tension kept building, and my resentment grew with it. When I finally did speak up, it came out in an emotional explosion that could have been avoided if I’d been honest from the start.
6. They over-apologize for everything
Do you find yourself saying “sorry” when someone else bumps into you on the sidewalk—or when you ask for help?
Over-apologizing can become so second nature, you might not realize how often you’re doing it.
Deep down, this habit usually stems from feelings of unworthiness: a belief that you’re imposing on others by simply existing or asking for anything.
In a survey conducted by the University of Waterloo, researchers found that women tend to apologize more frequently than men, often because they perceive more of their own actions as offensive or disrespectful—even when that’s not objectively the case.
This constant apologizing can undermine your sense of self and signal to others that you don’t value your presence.
Try reframing “I’m sorry” as “thank you” when appropriate. Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thank you for waiting for me.”
It’s a subtle shift that affirms your right to occupy space.
7. They can’t fully trust others and may push people away
Learning to love yourself goes hand-in-hand with learning to trust yourself—and by extension, learning to trust others.
Without that early foundational belief that you’re lovable and deserving of respect, it’s easy to doubt everyone’s intentions.
You may worry that people will abandon you or that they’re secretly judging you, and so you keep them at arm’s length—either emotionally or physically.
I’ve seen this play out in relationships, where a woman will end things the moment she starts feeling vulnerable.
It’s not because she doesn’t want love; it’s that she doesn’t know how to accept it without the gnawing fear of being hurt. As a result, she sabotages the connection before it can really blossom.
8. They neglect self-care or see it as selfish
Self-care might feel like a buzzword these days, but genuinely taking care of yourself is crucial if you want to cultivate self-love.
Women who didn’t learn this early on may feel guilty spending time or money on their own well-being. Maybe they believe self-care is indulgent or frivolous. Maybe they worry about being judged for “slacking off.”
I used to think I had to earn my rest. I’d push and push until I was totally burned out, telling myself that’s just what “strong” people do.
Eventually, I realized ignoring self-care only made me less able to show up for my son, my work, and myself.
9. They self-sabotage opportunities
Perhaps most crucially, a lack of self-love can show up as self-sabotage.
Imagine being offered an amazing career opportunity but telling yourself you’re not qualified—or entering a healthy relationship but consistently picking fights out of fear.
Sometimes, if you don’t believe you deserve happiness or success, you’ll unconsciously act in ways that destroy your chances of getting it.
I’ve been there too.
When I first started freelance writing after leaving my digital communications job, I hesitated to pitch the publications I really wanted to work with. I told myself I wasn’t experienced enough or that they’d never respond. But guess what? The only person blocking my path was me.
If you notice yourself backing out of opportunities you’ve worked hard for, pause and ask: “Am I genuinely not ready, or am I afraid of proving to myself that I might actually succeed?” Addressing that fear can be transformative.
If you see yourself in any of these nine behaviors, remember you’re not stuck this way.
You can start practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and letting go of unhelpful beliefs.
Changing these patterns might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve spent decades living them. But little by little, you can rewrite the narrative you were handed as a child and learn, maybe for the first time, what it truly means to love yourself.
