I remember the first time I realized I was uncomfortable with compliments.
A friend told me I’d done a great job on a project, and I immediately laughed it off.
It wasn’t until later, sitting alone with my racing thoughts, that I recognized the pattern: I was brushing off positive feedback like it was too hot to handle.
Why? Because I wasn’t used to hearing praise growing up.
If you can relate to this unease around recognition, you’re not alone.
When our parents seldom acknowledge our efforts or successes, we naturally develop ways—often subconscious—to calm and reassure ourselves.
Let’s explore eight self-soothing behaviors that you may have picked up along the way.
1. You might overanalyze your every action
When praise is scarce, you might constantly wonder if you’re doing something “correctly” or if you’ll be judged for a misstep.
I used to spend so much time dissecting my decisions, replaying conversations, and looking for any hint of approval I might have missed.
If there was none to be found, I’d internalize it as a sign that I hadn’t done well enough.
Over time, this habit can morph into a relentless inner critic. Your mind becomes a magnifying glass, zooming in on the smallest errors while ignoring your achievements.
You’re essentially trying to soothe your anxiety by double- and triple-checking your actions.
But life isn’t an exam where you need to over-prepare to avoid any mistakes. The more you overanalyze, the more you drain your emotional energy.
Taking small steps toward self-trust, like allowing yourself to make a decision without second-guessing, can help you break free from this cycle.
2. You turn to perfectionism to feel worthy
Perfectionism often starts as a protective shield, especially if you grew up feeling like nothing you did was quite good enough.
Back in college, I was determined to turn in spotless assignments. I’d stay up late, editing the same essay over and over, chasing that elusive “perfect” standard.
In hindsight, what I really wanted was a pat on the back—some external sign that I was worthy.
This constant need to excel can become a soothing mechanism because it provides a sense of control. If you can meet these sky-high standards, you momentarily calm the anxiety of “not being enough.”
But the peace is short-lived. The moment a task is done, the pressure to be perfect in the next venture starts all over again.
While there’s nothing wrong with aiming high, ask yourself whether your pursuit of excellence comes from genuine passion or from a desperate need to be validated.
Sometimes, giving yourself permission to do an “okay” job is exactly the breather your mind needs.
3. You rely heavily on external validation
When your parents seldom offered words of affirmation, you may have grown up unsure of your own abilities.
That uncertainty can lead you to seek approval at every turn—whether it’s a smiley-face emoji on social media or an enthusiastic nod from colleagues in a meeting.
I used to catch myself asking friends, “Is this alright? Do you think I did okay?” more often than I’d like to admit.
It was as though I couldn’t trust my own judgment unless someone else confirmed it.
The habit of chasing external validation can become an endless loop. You temporarily soothe your insecurities with likes, compliments, or any signal that you’re doing “well.”
But the moment that wave of validation passes, you’re back to feeling uncertain again.
A few years ago, I stumbled across Rudá Iandê’s “Free Your Mind” masterclass.
I’d heard about Rudá before, but at that point, I finally decided to give his program a try because I was fed up with my own dependency on everyone else’s opinions.
Through the exercises and insights in the course, I realized I wasn’t giving myself permission to define my own worth.
It highlighted how deeply I craved recognition and how that craving was rooted in my early experiences with scarce praise.
I’m still a work in progress, but that journey helped me loosen the grip of external validation on my self-esteem.
4. You withdraw into your own world
Some of us respond to a lack of praise by withdrawing.
If encouragement was rare in your household, you might have learned early on to depend on yourself instead of seeking acknowledgment from others.
For me, this manifested as hours spent journaling alone in my bedroom. I avoided sharing my ideas in class or speaking up at family gatherings because, deep down, I believed nobody really cared or noticed.
Writing and daydreaming became safe spaces where I could quietly validate myself without risking criticism.
In moderation, a bit of solitude and introspection can be healthy. But if you perpetually escape into your own world rather than connect with people, you could end up feeling isolated.
Sometimes, the best healing happens when we allow ourselves to be visible—sharing our thoughts with supportive friends or a therapist who can offer the empathy we never received at home.
5. You become a people-pleaser
Do you say “yes” to everything, even when you’re already swamped or uncomfortable? That’s a classic self-soothing behavior rooted in a fear of not being liked or praised.
Growing up with minimal recognition can make you hyper-attuned to other people’s needs and feelings. You might think, “If I can make everyone happy, they’ll finally approve of me.”
For years, I juggled multiple social events, volunteered for extra tasks at work, and rarely expressed my own preferences.
Saying “no” felt risky. After all, if I disappointed someone, they might withdraw the little bit of acceptance or praise they offered.
Over time, though, people-pleasing leads to emotional exhaustion.
You suppress your own needs to cater to others, and the cycle reinforces the belief that your personal value is tied to how much you serve everyone else.
Learning to set boundaries might initially feel uncomfortable. But remember that real connection comes from honesty and mutual respect, not from bending over backward for approval.
6. You hold back from celebrating accomplishments
When I got my first writing gig, I hardly told anyone about it.
I downplayed my excitement, brushed off congratulations, and moved on to the next task.
Why? Because growing up, praise was minimal, so it felt foreign and even embarrassing to draw attention to my successes.
I trained myself to keep good news quiet, thinking it was more “humble” or that I didn’t want to come off as boastful.
If you find it difficult to celebrate your wins, you might be using self-dismissal as a way to cope. It’s like you’re saying, “I don’t deserve this recognition, and I’ll feel safer if I keep my achievements to myself.”
But celebrating accomplishments is an essential part of growth.
It reinforces the idea that you do deserve positive feedback—even if it’s just giving yourself a mental high-five.
Allowing yourself to own your successes is a form of self-validation that can gradually replace the need for external praise.
7. You’re quick to soothe yourself with distractions
Without steady encouragement from parents, many of us develop escapism.
Maybe it’s endlessly scrolling through social media, binge-watching TV shows, or immersing yourself in video games.
I’ve definitely had those nights where I’d watch back-to-back series just to drown out my thoughts about not being “good enough.”
In those moments, the fictional worlds on screen felt a lot more comforting than my own inner critic.
While distractions can momentarily relieve stress and anxiety, they don’t solve the core issue—our underlying belief that we’re lacking in some way.
Constant escapism can also rob you of the chance to explore your true passions, interests, and potential.
Try experimenting with mindfulness techniques, like a short breathing exercise or journaling, when you notice you’re itching to find a quick distraction.
These small acts can help you confront your feelings more directly, inching toward genuine self-soothing rather than avoidance.
8. You find it hard to trust genuine praise
One of the trickiest parts of growing up with minimal encouragement is believing genuine praise when it finally comes your way.
You might think, “They’re just being nice,” or “They don’t really mean it.”
I used to respond to any compliment with a suspicious side-eye. A coworker once called my presentation “impressive,” and my first instinct was to look for hidden sarcasm.
Over time, I realized this distrust was a built-in defense mechanism.
When compliments were so scarce as a child, receiving them as an adult can feel like unfamiliar territory. You’re bracing for disappointment because it was never safe to assume someone was genuinely proud of you.
Allowing yourself to accept compliments at face value is a profound act of self-trust. You can start small: pause, take a breath, and simply say “Thank you.”
Resist the urge to downplay or deflect the praise. Over time, this practice can reshape your mindset around acknowledging your worth.
Conclusion
It’s easy to overlook how childhood experiences shape our adult coping habits.
If you grew up without much praise, these eight self-soothing behaviors may have become your subconscious way of navigating the world.
Recognizing and understanding them is the first step to reclaiming your sense of self-worth. Little by little, you can learn to validate yourself without waiting for someone else to do it.
And as you move forward, remember you’re not alone on this journey of self-discovery.
Here at DM News, we’re all about practical insights that guide us toward healthier mindsets. You deserve to celebrate your accomplishments and feel at ease in your own skin—praise or no praise.
Give yourself permission to start small.
Even one step toward self-acknowledgment can open the door to a life where you feel genuinely secure in who you are. You’ve got this.
